Trying Again

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Well, we're just about at the end of the summer vacation for the kids. W has left to go pick them up from MIL's and they will be back on Tuesday. I am so excited to see the kids again!! It's been a rough month since they haven't been here after being with them everyday for the last year.

I've been an emotional mess lately. Lots of stress going on with wondering when our current hiatus will end. Studio still hasn't made a decision on another season of the show we've done 2 seasons for. We were back at work at this point last season. I have been keeping my ears open for other opportunities. Things in this business are odd because there can be no word at all and then all of a sudden, production begins the next day and they want everything yesterday. It's important to me to be a good provider to my family. I know that it is for her as well. She grew up with a father who never really had a steady job and they weren't able to do a lot because of it. I left a very steady job with free health care benefits to follow a dream of working in the television industry. Wish now that I had done my homework a little better and been more satisfied with my previous job. Wish I had taken steps to move up within that organization. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I realize now that I didn't possess the maturity back then to understand that. Stressing about this situation has made it difficult for me to sleep at night and I know that that has caused me to be a little less positive about things.

I've been doing a pretty good job with NC with W. I've had to text her a few times for things related to the kids, but other than that, she's been the one to initiate contact. Never about anything other than the kids, though. Her birthday was this past Thursday and I wished her a happy birthday through text. I can't help but miss her. I get frustrated because we're a year into being separated. I appreciate that her interactions with me since around March have been more positive than they have been since she moved out. It just feels like we've taken a massive backslide in the past couple of months. I've been trying to evaluate what I may have changed from what was working before. I think I started to get a little attached again. I'm sure that I'm starting to read too much into things, doing mind reading, and all the worse case scenarios are starting to play out again. It's frustrating that I feel myself backsliding and I've been fighting myself this week to maintain my PMA. I wish I knew that at least a small part of her missed me. It feels like I'm being bombarded on all sides by doubt and frustration, from my nosy sister, who helped give a mighty push to help W toward her leaving, to well-intentioned friends. In high school, I ran track and was a sprinter. I play the piano and my favorite songs are ones where I get to play fast and even when it's a song that is a little slower, I would take a moment to play it as fast as I could. It's been a difficult process to reprogram myself to slow down, especially in this situation. I know that this is a marathon...a very long one, it appears...and trying to put a little giddy-up in my step doesn't help me.

On a positive note, I've lost more weight since the last time she saw me and have been working out more regularly. I've had some time to work on a personal project that I have been meaning to do for 5 years now. I've had the chance to spend some time with friends that I don't normally get to and went to see a movie yesterday.

Anyway, just venting this morning.