1 step forward 1000 steps back - part 4

[mdu]

Whenever I spend a good amount of time away from H I often do feel better and like I'm detaching. But then I have some encounter with him and either he is cool and it really upsets me or just being around him stirs up feelings in me. And I realize how much I have NOT detached.

I feel like it might help if I lay out some clear goals for myself. I think I need to specify what detaching and focusing on me really looks like. So not contacting H is pretty straightforward but how do I respond if he reaches out to me? He will send friendly texts on occasion and we get into text chitchat. Occasionally I will try to call him and chat a bit --- this is a 180 that was really effective in reattracting him previously, notsomuch now --- should I not do that anymore?

The whole thing is really, really scary because I definitely feel like if I do nothing in terms of trying to pull him in he will drift away for good.

Some things I need to work on for myself:
*focus on the kids 1000% when I do have them. Sometimes I will go on the computer or something like that and not really focus on them. I need to make the most of the time I do have with them.
*arrange more kid free activities that do NOT involved food and drink! It's expensive, I've basically gained back nearly all the weight I'd lost and the alcohol ultimately just depresses me.
*I need to make myself do things, regardless of how I feel at the moment. I've been sitting around too much because I feel cruddy, but I need to ignore it and get moving. Sitting around ultimately makes me feel worse.