1st post. Long but please read, help!

[MrBond]

"As for my last post, I promise I am truly looking back at my role in all of this. The fact is that I am DETERMINED to become an H only a fool would leave."

So a "good" H, in your opinion, is one who says that his W is ... "wired to be a bit sadistic."

"No matter what she did there is NO excuse for how I responded."

No you should change that sentence to just "There is NO excuse for how I responded". It doesn't matter what she did.

"And I have a long road ahead. However...I am determined. This is too important to me. Up to 6 weeks of no porn tonight, doing well on my 180s, etc."

Good starting points, but you still blame her for alot of your "hurt". Despite your addiction, demands on sex, etc.

"The whole part of thinking about her role was to help me detach."

Wrong way to detach. Detachment through hate and anger never works. All it does is bring resentment to you which will come out in your interactions with her.

"I am little by little starting to realize it's possible that she wanted a divorce all along. Even if that's not true it helps me accept that no matter what I do it may not get the results I want, and that it may not even be all my fault."

BS. That's just you internally shifting the blame onto her. It's what addicts do. SHE caused you to go to porn. SHE was selfish in not offering you sex, etc. Alcoholics never blame themselves. They blame the person giving them the bottle.

"Trust me, I LOVE her and I'm not using this as an excuse to give up. But I do intend to be a great husband for someone someday. Time (a LOT of time) will tell if I'm fortunate enough for it to be with her."

You've got a long road to go.