Not sure what to do

[25yearsmlc]

Believe me Mr. Bond. My wife is VERY specific.
There were two things she complained about:

(1) She wanted me to stand up for her.
(2) She wanted me to make her #1 in our marriage.

She says I allowed her to "merge into my current family" but I never gave her "top billing."

I absolutely don't think this is true. I think I always put her first. To me she was #1.

At least this is how I felt in my mind. She may disagree with me but it doesn't negate my feelings toward her.

I will agree I didn't "stand up for her" the way she wanted.

That is all that matters!

Let me be clear. My wife is not timid! She didn't need me to defend her.

Yes she did. Obviously.


---

Here is an example of where she doesn't feel I stood up for her:

She says the final straw happened when some members of my family unfriended her on FB this May. She was really surprised. So was I.

She hasn't had contact with any members of my family since April 2013. The last time she saw my family it was really positive. Truthfully, my wife had a great relationship with all my relatives until I left her the first time in June 2013.

Honestly, the only problem they had with her is that I was unhappy.


which YOU are not responsible for at all....


She doesn't post anything but funny stuff on her FB page. So when she was unfriended she was really hurt. She said unfriending her was an "unprovoked act of hostility."

Isn't it?

She wanted me to do something. I didn't know what to do. She badgered me to unfriend everyone who unfriended her. So I did. But that didn't make her happy.


Did you feel concerned for her at all? Or just "badgered" by HER and not hurt FOR her?
You are showing a remarkable LACK of empathy for her...really remarkable.


She wanted me to ask them why they had unfriended her. She said this was an example of our marriage. How "they were more important" how they were "number one."

She said if she was "#1" I would be outraged over their actions. She said they were sending a message that it didn't matter whether we were reconciling...they wanted her out of the family.

How do you NOT see the validity of this?? ^^ You felt NOTHING when you saw that YOUR FAMILY hurt your wife, all b/c of what YOU told them?

You don't see how you created this whole thing between them?


Come on! It was FB. Mountains out of molehills. Let it go.


Bob, aren't you the one who "has a BIG problem letting go of past hurts"???? Isn't that something you are working on in therapy?

Again, what a remarkable lack of empathy you are revealing.

And then...BAM!

"See Bob--this is what I'm talking about. I spent an entire year ignoring the petty slights from your family. And in response they escalated their behavior. Instead of taking the reigns and saying, 'Knock it off. This is my wife.' You told me to, 'ignore it and get along with them. When it comes to whose feelings get protected it is never mine. They are #1 not me.'

I can see why your wife feels this^^ way. I'm sure you can't, but then, that's the issue isn't it?

I'm certainly not going to destroy my relationship with my family to prove my love for my wife.

that ^^ says it all. Go live with your family then, b/c some of us think HUSBANDS/WIVES are our family

but I guess you don't.

"A man shall leave his family and cleave to his wife"....ever hear that?

I think my wife is being emotionally destructive and manipulative.


Maybe so. Maybe she is "abusive" to your family....

All I know is what you post here. Your family did a sh1tty thing to YOUR WIFE. As long as you are divorcing her anyhow, so what I guess....they did it out of what they think is loyalty to you and all you really had to do was inform them that loyalty to you means kindness/respect to your wife.

AND if you think you ever want to have a chance at reconciling, this crap has to stop and YOU are the only one who can stop it.
--

Enough. This is childish. I am not going into my family like a wrecking ball over FB. My wife has to learn when to let things go.

Maybe you can teach her to let go of things - when you learn to let of or your "past hurts"

including those from years ago, which "prevent" you (along with pride) from going home to your wife...which you also say, that you WANT to do.

Bob, you are one confused guy and it makes it very hard to help you b/c I can't tell what you want or can handle.

I hope sandi can help you more than I can. She's a great DBer.