Thank you, uR, so much of your shared experience and good words have guided me this far. I was excited to see your comment:).
I do feel I have a pretty good handle, but you are correct. My heart is still fragile. Especially after the surprising week..... I am noticing today that, although I have not initiated contact with H for 13 solid days, including today, (yay me), I did catch myself back to checking my phone several times throughout the day again!!!! Grrrrr...... Dangit.
BUT, my awareness and available options to change this behavior have GROWN significantly. So I took my kids out and practice drove for 90 minutes with S15, went to store, found cute shoes for my baby girl (D13 is not so much baby, but still my baby), bought a few school shirts for S15, groceries, and tonight my D13 and I had in-house mani-pedi night. I got to catch up on the board while tootsies were cooking in lights:)
My PMA is good today. I kept telling myself after r talk yesterday, to expect h to go a bit dark. And he is. And it's good. I'm grateful for the opportunity to show him my changes, smile and flirt, and hold him again. I know he needs time for the talk to sink in.
I used to stew about what he was doing. I am thinking about that today, and kind of curious, but it's a different curious... Not compelled to find out.
I now ask myself, "Why would knowing that matter? What good can come from knowing details?" I'm choosing to be grateful that he is taking the time away, not that he's using it to think and mull things over as you or I would do, but time away from thinking of me at all. Because he needs to. His r with ow needs to cycle and die. My visits were all positive. That may or may not mean anything today. But there is a strong possibility that he may behave a little differently around her this weekend. She may become suspicious. I'm doing nothing but giving space to allow their fate to take it's course.
He will think of us and r in his own time. And there is hope and possibility in the file he can access when he's ready.
I'm patient. I love him. It will take more than love, but I'm going to keep going, stay educated, and pray.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
