WAW not admitting to affair #3

[25yearsmlc]

Sho,

I have read your whole thread (Of course, it's familiar b/c I read it a week or so ago.)

You have gotten great a dice from your DB coach. Anything new there?

Also, I think your wife's comments about having LESS interest in NYC is darn positive. She's admitting work stresses her (which sounds true), she is at least saying and acting as if the kids are her priority, and those are positives.

She's also NOT asking you or the kids to move to NYC. To me that is huge.

As for her saying "Oh, I see the real you now!" when she sees your temper or snooping, sure there are valid reasons to doubt everything she says b/c of the A

but then, you need to communicate in some form...

(I know you have your A "proof" but other than the text and a trip somewhere with someone other than she said she was with, what is there? I'm not saying to draw a diagram, but how sure are you that it's an all out "soul mate/love of my life" affair?)

I MAY be in the minority here, but as annoying as lying is,

I see the lying about it a lot more favorable to you than her declaring "OM's the best man I ever met, My first real love, and..." blah blah blah.

And how do you know if it isn't fizzling out all by itself? Just throwing that out...

oh, and she probably won't come and say "I stopped the affair --the A I denied having."

But she MAY come out and say "let's work on the M".

If you still want to insist on getting her to admit to the A, I'm not sure what your benefit would be other than proving her wrong or feeling "right".

I DO understand your desire to have everything out in the open; I really do.

I'm merely suggesting you figure out all the reasons

for that IF she wants to stay m to you for real anyhow.



Why not run that^^ by your DB coach?

Also, your MIL's comments to you about your d and how She feels she "must not be a good girl" b/c of your criticisms, well Sho, it did break my heart. I know you were stung by that too and I feel for you. Ouch.

But don't minimize how that feels to a mother. It kills love pretty fast.

(Much as I hate having to say this, I know someone will pipe in about your wife's affair, b/c somehow they'll believe if someone gives you feedback about YOUR behavior, it amounts to defining your w's A. But No, I'm not defending it and indeed, I'm not even talking about the A. I'm saying there are factors at play here other than OM. He's a symptom not a cause.)

You have been doing some great personal work, and I hope you'll stay the course b/c it will pay off, regardless of your w's choices.

The very good news is that as your w sees you becoming a more loving father, she will be touched. Absolutely. To mothers, it's a turn on to see the children lovingly interact with their father. For many, that in itself is a reason to marry or stay married to a specific man.

That's why it's key to keep working on that. (B/C if you are, arguably or actually, destructive to your d, that's a handle you don't want your w to grab onto.

I don't want to think about what I'd have to do IF I really believed my h had a temper that was hurting our children, and he did not change it. Yikes...

Of course all your kids need you, but a kid who wondered if she was "good enough" for her dad b/c of his remarks to her, she really really needs to hear you tell her some good authentic things about her.

I know you've been working on that and it'll show.

And dont' worry about "showing" your w that. Your d will tell her!

Plus it'll show in your d, and the way you two interact, and your w WILL BE AFFECTED, no matter what she says (or does not say.)

Agree, I need to set my boundaries. I am not around tonight. Tomorrow I plan to go see a friend so I won't be around either. Today, I also told my W that I am booking a vacation with our kids in two weeks. She is taking off the following week and said she had not planned to be out for that week (would be two weeks out of the office if she did). I just want to show her that life is moving on with or without her.

What has changed in things she has said to me...she no longer wants to move to NYC. She said if she were single or if it was just the two of us, she would go. But with kids, that is a different story. She said it is not the right move for them. She also commented that her company has not provided her with a relo package and she knows they won't offer much more money, so it is not worth it.

What does this mean to me? I have no idea, so I won't even begin to project or try to get in her head. What I am writing this here then? Just to document it.

I think it's fair to say it's NOT BAD NEWS FOR YOU...

and in my opinion, it's good news. I think it's pivotal, but no, not yet a slam dunk. Your changes were needed, and I'm amazed at what a fast learner you are AND at how bravely you have listened to some feedback that a lot of us would have turned from (like your MIL's comments).

So in a way, this could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

I know how ironic^^ that sounds. I'm just telling you that the worst experience of my life was, in the end, a turning point for me in becoming a much better parent and wife, and much less of a bitter person.

If my h had not had his awakening I think those things would still be true.

So there's that. I hope you'll stay the course with your DB coach and keep at this. Good luck
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