WAW not admitting to affair #3

[Onguard]

Sho, I am in a similar situation. Although my waw has admitted to her A she is still ambivalent, at best, on our M. We have 2 kids and I am also having a very hard time detaching. I am constantly reminded of the good times we had because we have been together since age 13. It's still hard for me to accept that she doesn't love me the way I love her. I have been following your situation and it has given me strength knowing that I am not losing my mind. The pain is so intense that it's hard to think about anything but her.

Someone gave me some good advice recently. If you want to kill your wife's attraction for you then reach out to her. If your goal is to repulse your wife then pursue her. These 2 sentences have helped me to back off big time. I have been telling more of my friends who have been incredibly supportive. So, in my efforts to stop pursuing, when I get the urge to reach out, I call one of them instead. We don't need to file for D right now. We need to really execute the 180 first. Let them feel what life is like without us. Let them see us getting stronger and happier without them. Let them see that they are losing their power to hurt us. Let them realize that they are losing the control that they take for granted.

The other thing that has helped me is to realize that we are in a war right now. An emotional war with our spouses. My waw said something to me the other day that pissed me off and woke me up. She was upset that I had exposed her A to one of my friends. She accused me of making it seem like I was dumping her and said; "We both know that if I wanted this marriage to work that we would be together." She has all of the power and she knows it. She is convinced that plan B (me) will be here waiting if things dont work out with whatever she has as plan A. It hit me like a brick that I need to change that right away. Her strength comes from my weakness. I am giving our relationship 100% of my effort and attention so she has to give ZERO. I need to match her investment. I need to show her that we can BOTH walk away and start a new life. But we need to mean it too. It cannot be a bluff. Starsky and the others are right, we need to harness the anger and embrace the fact that starting over with someone new is better than being anyone's plan B. Sho, we are not plan B material. We were good husbands and fathers. We were not perfect but neither were our waw. They made the decision to cheat, not us. We are not responsible for their bad behavior. We deserve to be loved, respected and appreciated as equals. Anything less is unacceptable and demeaning.

My waw has hit me with both barrels but I am still standing. She emotionally abandoned me when I needed her most. She betrayed me by having an A and bringing him into our home. She is rejecting me even though her A is supposedly over. What more can she do to me? However, I have just begun to fight back. What will she feel when she realizes that I am not a given? When I find someone else? Maybe a younger woman? Maybe a woman with a successful career? Maybe both or one of each? It will be interesting to see if she can take it as well as she can dish it out.