Maybell VI

[Ss06]

Maybell, so many similarities to my sitch.

The job application period for the job I really want closed today so I'm hoping to hear soon. I hope, hope, hope. How's your search going?

I haven't worn my rings since BD. I feel like if they mean nothing to him, it hurts too much to wear them. You know? He hasn't worn his in a while. "It's too tight" has been the excuse for years now. It hurts to even look at them. I haven't worn the watch he got me as a push present for having d, either. That hurts but I just can't bring myself to wear anything he gave me. He doesn't wear the watch I got him for our second anniversary. That smarts.

I'm intrigued about your boundary about not being friends, gosh, I wish I could get your email address or something so we could talk about that offline, you know? I feel like you, like it's fake and dysfunctional.

I'm afraid to spend money, too. He's spending it like chit through a goose and I'm second guessing the $0.09 between two brands of tomato sauce. I know it's because I'm mentally reverting to life before him when I had $9 to spend on food for the whole month. Ugh.

I admire your strength and what seems to me to be serious clarity of thought. My pure really making good personal strides. Keep on doing what you're doing.

[Maybell]

Ss, I don't know what you'd want to discuss offline but feel free to post on your thread and I'll engage.

That boundary isn't a tactic. It's a true one, from the heart, and I'm learning to live from that place.

I'm in a different place in my sitch than you are so what's true for me now may not yet be true for you.

[Mat]

Your posts are definitely food for thought. Now I understand better what my coach was saying when she was checking with me that I was OK with continuing to engage while W is seeing someone else, and advising against accepting another invite.

I don't know what it is that makes me accept the humiliation. It's as if I'm so convinced that she's crazy that I figure I'm better off. But that condescension is no basis for rebuilding anything.

That's why I think you are right to stick with your high standards when it comes with the relationship that you want with him, going forward. It's not just a measure of how you value yourself, but also the way you value him and insist on seeing him as the most important man and friend in your life. As others have said there are tons of indications that he's doing a lot of work. A lot more than with my W for instance, yet I know she's been processing regardless of where we end up. The fact that you made clear what expectations you had for you two will have had a maturing effect on him. I'm sure it's helping. I'm glad you're starting to feel better about your decision.

[Maybell]

Mat, thank you very, very much for your input. I'm so glad my experience is helping you. And thank you also for recapping what you got from your coach. I found that really helpful myself.

My brother and sister in law have been amazing. This has been the best, most healing week of the last year, they have honored and awed me with their wisdom, loving support, and generosity. I am enormously fortunate to have them. I should have come here months ago.

I especially appreciate your point about this boundary speaking to my value for him. I hadn't thought about it from that angle, but of course it's true. Thank you for that, it will help me stick to my guns when I'm missing him.

I asked my brother if he was happy and that led to a really interesting conversation about what makes an imperfect life happy. My B & SIL are very religious so my B talked about finding his purpose in fulfilling God's will for his life. It was enlightening not just in terms of thinking about what sent my H on walkabout but also in framing my ideas about my hopes for my future long term. Because he gets his purpose from his sense of God, but that doesn't mean that a more generic sense of purpose wouldn't work (I'm a lax believer, H says he is an unbeliever).

I also asked my B if he'd be willing to reach out to my H when the time is right to welcome him back into the family. He said absolutely (I'm lucky they're thoughtful, forgiving Christians and not a different kind). And we talked about the need to have close relationships among the extended family to support the relationship. My oldest brother also is ready to provide that support. This is great considering how unhelpful my mom has become.

I do feel a little sick at the thought he could be dating, but I suspect I'm borrowing trouble.

All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.

[Mat]

Not to invalidate your feelings, but it may not matter if he's dating. You're playing the long game. But of course it hurts - I know.

Very interesting how deep your conversations are with B. I don't have that w siblings or parents. I think it's a Chinese proverb that says "May your life be interesting" or something like that. Not easy or peaceful, but interesting. From an outside perspective, it looks like there is so much happening to you that's setting the stage for an interesting life, to learn and grow and become a greater person. I hope you take comfort in that. In some measure it's the case for all of us here and it's helpful to remind ourselves of that.

[KGirl]

"It worried me that he might be trying dating (he travels so much) but I think I read in someone else's thread that if you are willing to reconcile after separation that you have to be ok with not knowing what happened during that time.

Is that right?"

I'm curious about this too. My feeling at this point in time is that it's moreso you have to be ok with WHAT happened during that time (rather than having to be OK with not knowing). I feel like if one party has questions about what the other has done(I mean, there are some safety things too, right? Wouldn't you want to know if they had slept with someone and therefore if you wanted them to take an STD test, for example?) and the other party refuses to answer them because "it's while we were separated, it doesn't matter," then there's an issue there surrounding being secretive, which seems hard to rebuild trust from. I'm thinking it really depends on the couple and if they are both content with the same approach ("don't ask don't tell" vs. full disclosure). But I am curious what the "experts" think I think labug posted something once about how they did talk about things that happened during the separation and she knew her H didn't date anyone so that must have come up in conversation at some point..?

[labug]

Mat, thank you very, very much for your input. I'm so glad my experience is helping you. And thank you also for recapping what you got from your coach. I found that really helpful myself.

My brother and sister in law have been amazing. This has been the best, most healing week of the last year, they have honored and awed me with their wisdom, loving support, and generosity. I am enormously fortunate to have them. I should have come here months ago.

I especially appreciate your point about this boundary speaking to my value for him. I hadn't thought about it from that angle, but of course it's true. Thank you for that, it will help me stick to my guns when I'm missing him.

I asked my brother if he was happy and that led to a really interesting conversation about what makes an imperfect life happy. My B & SIL are very religious so my B talked about finding his purpose in fulfilling God's will for his life. It was enlightening not just in terms of thinking about what sent my H on walkabout but also in framing my ideas about my hopes for my future long term. Because he gets his purpose from his sense of God, but that doesn't mean that a more generic sense of purpose wouldn't work (I'm a lax believer, H says he is an unbeliever).

I also asked my B if he'd be willing to reach out to my H when the time is right to welcome him back into the family. He said absolutely (I'm lucky they're thoughtful, forgiving Christians and not a different kind). And we talked about the need to have close relationships among the extended family to support the relationship. My oldest brother also is ready to provide that support. This is great considering how unhelpful my mom has become.

I do feel a little sick at the thought he could be dating, but I suspect I'm borrowing trouble.

All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.

Let's have coffee I love long philosophical conversations.

[labug]

H and I have had conversations about things as they come up. I didn't go to him with a list of "I need to knows."

He is who he is today. Tomorrow may be different.

[Maybell]

Coffee sounds great, Labug!

Drove home today. First several hours I spent listening to news radio and getting caught back up on the world, which seems pretty grim. But it felt good to occupy my mind again with impersonal stuff that required my attention.

After a while my mind wanted to start processing my stuff so I let it. Interesting observations:

1. My mother is outstanding at winding up my emotions to crazy pitch and terrible at helping me calm down to rational thought. Nor is she very rational herself. So, new goal: be mindful of when I might be leaning in to that tendency myself. I wanted to be a zen mom and I WAS a zen mom for the years before we moved west and I lost my awesome yoga instructor. Those were the years when my H says he liked me best (though we weren't close during a lot of it because of his school and work, so...?) so I'm going to cultivate zen. (I dug deep and managed it after 14 hours in the car with cranky D11... Win for the day!)

2. My mother is not very empathetic. She was angry with me for "allowing" H to hurt me -- as though the demise of an 18 year relationship is something you can choose to feel the pain of, or not. Every time the kids or I mentioned him it was like someone had cursed in her presence. When I reminded her I wanted to salvage a relationship with him and that I need her not to act like he's a bad person altogether she got mad at me. I realize I'm her little girl but it's not support if you exercise your own feelings to the detriment of the person asking for support.

3. I think she's impatient for me to get over him. She wants me to file for divorce now, sell the wedding china now, and put our house on the market now. As though doing those things will make it finished. "You can always marry him again later if you really want to," she says, all grumpy like I'm a little kid asking for dessert before breakfast. Or I could wait to do all those things, not add the pain and stress of them to the situation or my children, and potentially stay married. She makes no sense to me.

4. The idea of H dating really, really tore at me on the drive home. Like, to the point that I'm going to bring it up in IC. Then I got home and I just felt so tired to not have a partner help me get the kids settled from the trip. But somehow the idea of him dating seemed less important and a little less likely. It's the first time I've come home and not felt completely defeated. Maybe it's the new paint & furniture arrangements?

5. H sent me a text late last night (his time) saying he's taking kids to dinner this week and "would be happy to have you join." Second week of our separation he said he'd be happy to have me join them for lunch that day and I got a little frustrated and said "do you want me to join or not?" He said, well, I invited you. Now, to me an invitation is more direct -- "please join us for dinner". The other way sounds like "I don't mind if you tag along." Either way I'm not going to go. I get my hopes up too easily when I'm with him, I'm already too suspicious about why he took off his ring, and I can't be his "friend" without expectations.

So that's where I am right now. Que sera sera.

[Maybell]

Oh, and because of something I just saw on twinmom's thread, I'll add... My dad rarely talks to me about anything unless I back him into a corner. And he got mad at me because I factored in work- life balance to my career plans because my H travels so much that even if we were happily married I would consider myself lacking back up for a more demanding career. My dad got all sarcastic and said "oh, are you a mom? I hadn't noticed."

My parents have never really had much respect for me.