I'm having a really tough time lately. Last night I watched a movie. Some stupid movie where the female love interest died. I started to cry, something I haven't done for a very long time, and couldn't seem to stop. Here I am, all alone after working so hard to make a life for myself and my family. Where are my kids that I sacrificed so much for and love more than I could ever say in words? Where is the person I loved, cared for when she couldn't care for herself, gave up so many of the things I wanted (including moving 1600 miles away from MY family so she could be near hers), who promised me that we would grow old together and would never leave?
I always knew that I when I died I would be together in the afterlife with my W. That we would be buried side by side to spend eternity the way we spent our lives, together. I put in the hard work, the raising of my oldest until adulthood and soon my youngest would follow. I married my best friend and thought how lucky I was for that. Soon we would have time and money to do the things we put off to raise our family. Now it's all just over. Wiped out by the person who I trusted more than any other. I did nothing wrong to deserve this! I tried my very best, I never gave up on her even when most people would have. I did everything I knew how but my W just ran and ran. Ran right to the person who had hurt her her whole life, her father. The man who I hated not only because of the way he treated her in the past but still treated her to the day she walked out.
Nothing I do makes a bit of difference. Even the fact that she is hurting her own kids doesn't even slow her down. She would rather spend her life alone, rather have her own family members think there is something wrong with her for doing this, than make one single bit of effort, take one step back and maybe think that she is making a mistake. She even wants to change her name back to match her daddies and erase me from her life like it never happened.
I hate who she has become. I hate who she is wanting to be. I hate that everything that was important and mattered to her no longer means a thing. I hate that we now are going to make our D14 choose which parent she will disappoint on holidays, that she now will think love is just a word. That M is only until you change your mind and you don't even need to try.
I know I need to buck up and just be strong. I really need to stop the pity party and get back to work on making my new life for myself and my girls. I'm going to pray a bit. Rest a bit. Recharge my batteries. Sometimes hope is a blessing, sometimes not so much.
