Barrybran - [Insert Original Thread Title Here]

[Barrybran]

I've had some thoughts lately about my future. Things are still stagnant in my relationship with my wife and whilst I know her happiness is tied to her work situation at the moment, there are signs creeping in that things will go back to the way they were before my affair.

Before my affair, I felt that I was not important to my wife. It sounds juvenile to want to know that you're wanted but throughout this process I have come to understand that I explicitly need to know I'm wanted by my wife to feel love. Granted, these days and with all the information I've come across this past year, I don't need it at all but I would find it difficult to feel love without knowing for sure. For me, I feel that I should know in an instant that I'm wanted and if not, then I need to address the issue or perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree.

The thoughts that I've had have made me wonder more about the future of our situation. I continue to stand by my decision to stand by my wife and I will see that out. We're talking quite some time yet so I understand that my situation has some maturing to do. I have thought about how the future might pan out though as I'm not going to wait around forever. Something that stuck out to me is that I cheated because I didn't respect myself. Now, I understand that if I feel unloved or unwanted again, I bring it up with my wife and if she doesn't want to play ball I need to look out for myself and that may mean me leaving instead. Again, we're talking well down the road.

All in all, there will be a lot to discuss when the time comes. I hope it comes soon but I'm not holding my breath. My anniversary is at the end of this month. I'm going to buy her flowers and I feel good about that decision. There won't be any fanfare; it's a nothing day right now. It is still an important date to me and my wife deserves flowers whether we have a relationship or not. The only downside at the moment is that I'm off work that day so I'll be around my wife. I may wind up getting out of the house for a bit because I probably won't want to be here.