On the brink, need a miracle

[Onguard]

She must not realize that I know where she keeps her journal because I found another new page. This one says that her emotions are constantly shifting. She is now leaning towards marriage counseling. She asks why her feelings toward me are returning and she wrote down: He is not making me angry on a daily basis. He is not badgering me. He is moving on with his life. But it also says that she could stay in the marriage with one foot and still look, so could my husband.. She still cannot think of any answers to "what did I love about my husband". We were together for 30 years, how on earth can she not remember what she loved about me? Everyone who knows us thinks we have a very good life. I know its the outside looking in but still. We went on 4 or 5 trips a year, which my waw says "dont count". It's the daily stuff that was absent. ?? We spent a lot of time on our boat as a family. We worked out together at least once a week. We walked the dog together every Sunday morning. We have tons of friends that we often did things with. I just don't understand how she can have no loving emotions towards me.

The other night she sent me a text. "If we both wanted to work on our marriage, to give it one final try, where would we even begin? Thats a big part of the problem, the how. It feels impossible doesnt it?" I responded "It's not impossible but it will take a full commitment from both of us. Let me know if you ever get to that point." No response after that...

She fully blames me for her affair. If I had been more attentive then she would not have done this. What a bunch of bs. Our marriage had problems and I contributed to those problems. But I was always willing to do whatever it took to make our relationship better.

It looks like my efforts to detach and GAL are starting to have a tiny effect. I am heading out of town for 5 days and I am determined not to contact her. If she contacts me then I will respond with upbeat and brief answers. My feelings are shifting as well though. I have been taking stock of everything that she has done and said and I wonder how on earth will I ever be able to trust her again. I have been going out with friends and getting attention from other women which is helping me to realize that life without my waw might not be the hell that I am fearing. I took my kids out to dinner last night while waw went out on her own. Don't get me wrong, the idea of splitting our family and moving on without her are still very painful but I am wondering if maybe the fear of losing her is worse than actually losing her?