Dealing with WAW Part 3

[Wonka]

Pilot,

She is coming here. Asked if she was staying at my place and she said she was not sure.

WTH!??? Did you not learn anything about not pursuing/pressuring W?

slapping you on the upside

[pilot]

Wonka,

That was not meant as a pressuring statement. That was the same she asked me when I went to visit her last week and even insisted I stay at her place when I had a hotel reservation. It was more about logistics as well as trying to not be so indifferent as earlier respondents thought I might have been coming across as. I get what you are saying though. Maybe wording it differently... Anyways, that turned out to be the least of my troubles tonight...

So W gets here mid afternoon. She had already texted me to let me know she was stopping at different apartments and looking at them. (close to where I want to put S5 in school). When she gets to my place, we decide to take the kids to the pool for a bit. Let them swim, and not much conversation between us. Afterwards, we take them to a fun touristy spot and let them eat dinner, while we had some frozen drinks and a beer. Brought the kids home, and we both get showered so we can go to a nicer place for ourselves and talk.

Once we get there, I could tell she was not going to initiate the conversation, so I said I was anxious to hear what she had to say. She started off with the apartments and the school, and all she would need to move down to this area. And basically what she would want from me financially to make it happen. Now before she came down, we had agreed we needed to have a marriage/divorce talk as well. We had already agreed to that at the beginning of our separation that we would revisit the marriage before school started. So...she did not really know what to say or how to begin. She was kinda just sitting there not wanting to say anything. She said she did not want to say anything that would upset me. I assured her I was comfortable having this conversation and I would not be upset regardless of what we discussed. So I started the conversation off by saying right now we have a divorce you filed, but have not served me with yet. She said she had not planned on doing anything with it and thought our old state did not want to deal with us. I told her we have 4 months left under our old state laws before our new state would accept us. The long and short is she seemed uncertain about how or if to proceed. So, maybe a positive.

Our conversation basically went downhill, as I knew it would. I do not remember the exact sequence of events or topics discussed, but when asked if she still wanted to proceed with the divorce, she said yes, she thinks that is best at this time. She was already mad at that point because I had already shot down her idea of me getting her an apartment and a new car so she could move here. I was very clear I was not trying to be mean or vindictive, there was just not any money for me to give her to do these things. I said if I had it I would. I later semi contradicted that by reminding her because of our pending divorce, if I decided to put her up in an apartment and get her a new car, those were my obligations from that point on. I reminded her about some of the details of her petition. She said she would withdraw her petition, and wait to file it in our new state. I told her not to do that. It was basically a bad night where I am sure I said things I probably should not have. But I did my best to explain I empathized with her and her situation. I explained over and over I am not trying to be mean.

So dinner ended, and things were pretty tense. I suggested we walk to the end of one of the boat docks and talk a little more. So we sat down, and I changed to tone and topic. I told her I do not hold any bad feelings towards her, no anger, no resentment over what has happened. I told her during the last month we were living together, I was an emotional wreck and did and said things I now regret. But over the course of the past 2.5 months, I have spent a lot of time reading about situations like ours, and I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my own shortcomings and faults which led to the demise of our relationship. I told her I realized I was only able to control myself, and therefore have spent this time working to improve myself as a person and ensure I do not make the same mistakes I made in the past. Again, I emphasized I do not hold any ill feelings towards her. I never asked her to reconsider our M and I never brought up OM. I explained again calmly that I empathized with her concerns and desires to move here if the kids went to school here. But right now I did not have the money to provide her with her own place and a new car for her. Now somewhere in the disaster of our conversation during dinner I was getting frustrated at her seemingly not able to understand why I was not bending over backwards to giver her what she wanted, so I made the statement my primary concerns in life are my kids, my family, and then me. I asked her if she understood, she said no. I said you are not my kids, you do not want to be in my family, and you are not me. So that puts you somewhere else down the line. Prob not the best thing to say, but I was getting frustrated at the conversation.

So, as one would expect, she pretty much clammed up for the rest of the night. We drove home and she said she will think about what I said and we will talk more in the morning.

There are a million more details but I really am too tired to even try and recall them.

[pilot]

So basically more of the same this morning. She insists that someone should help her. Her parents are apparently not going to. She said she was going to speak to them again, and let me know. She did take the kids back with her, and I have to say I am scared she may not give them back.

I plan on speaking to an attorney today to weigh my options at this point, including answering the D petition.

I have to say I really really wanted to ask her what all of her overtures this past month meant. I wanted to know what was going through her mind when she would corner me to hug and just squeeze me and not let go. I did not ask her though. As tempting as it was, I knew it was not the thing to do and in her state of mind I doubt I would have gotten an answer that would have been positive.

Oh well...

[CS000]

I hope things get better for you and I'm sure you know that your W can't keep your kids from you.

[Meghan]

Good luck with the lawyer - I know things are tough right now, but protecting yourself is always a wise move.

[pilot]

W texted me this evening

W: I taked to my parents. Like I said yesterday, I will be willing to move to <town> so that S5 can go to <school>. However, I do think you should be partially responsible for our living/transportation.

Me: What do you mean by partially?

W: I just mean you should split living expenses/car with me.

It seems to be a step off from earlier this morning when she was here and last night when she was insisting I pay for everything. It also seems to convey that her parents will not be funding her move, as I suspected they would not. Waiting to hear back from the L in the morning about a few things. I am still worried that if she does not get her way, she will enroll my kids in school up there and not let them come back here. That would make for a big mess.

Strangely, I am pretty indifferent to her at this point. I know yesterday was not a positive day, but I have to say, at this moment, I really do not care.

My brother suggested when I get my own place near the school, I offer to let her stay with us. Not saying I would, but interesting coming from him since he was the one who bought be the DR book last Sept that I never read, and he has always advocated DB principles.

[pilot]

Ok, new twists and turns in the drama I call normal life these days. My W and I still have not come to any agreement regarding where our kids will live and where they go to school. School starts Wednesday in both areas, so we are really out of time. We are still living 4 hours apart at our respective parents. The current stalemate rests at she will let my kids go to the school here IF I pay for her apt. a car, and some other living expenses. Right now the kids are in her town, and I am afraid she will enroll them in what can easily be described as less than adequate schools just to keep them up there. I almost feel if I am being extorted.

At any rate, these are the options on the table.

1. The above. She moves down here. I move into an apt near the school (currently about 45 minutes from where I am) She moves into an apartment as well. Problem is I do not have the money to give her, nor commit to give her to make this happen.

2. She enrolls the kids in school up where she is. Remember is it a depressed county with huge unemployment in the middle of nowhere. Not exactly a place one can just move and find a way to make a decent living. This prevents me from being with my kids unless I do move up there.

3. Her dad floated the idea of us sharing an apartment in my area so my kids can go to school here. He will give her one of his cars if we do this, taking away that necessity.

4. I move back to our old town where we lived prior to S. I spend the rest of the year (1st semester of school) rebuilding and reestablishing my business down there and the kids will go to a school a few towns away from where W lives now for the 1st semester. After that, the kids will move down to our old town. During this time, it is on W to find a job and figure out her own living arrangements down there. It would have to be agreed to (with the blessing of my L) that doing this will not affect any custody arrangements in the future, and the kids will not be staying up there past December.

5. We BOTH move back to our old town in the same place, both have jobs and live separate lives basically. Probably will be toughest on me personally having her back in the same house and being where OM lives/lived. Her parents will not give her a car or assistance under this option.

6. I simply reply to her D petition, and fight it out for custody and let the cards fall where they do.

Fun times....

[pilot]

It seems W will be moving here into her own apt, and my kids will be going to school here at the good school as well. Not really sure how I feel about having to see W on a regular basis. I am pretty happy with the current situation and the distance, but it is what it is.

Her dad talked to me the other day, and seems less positive about the future of the M with me an W. I know these things take time if and when they can work. I just keep finding myself on the fence on whether or not I want to keep at it. I know this whole school thing cast a dark cloud on what may (or may not) have been progress during the summer. And now that it is over and she seems happy about the school situation and moving, maybe things will progress again. I just dont know if I want this anymore. There is a big world out there, and lots of fish in the sea so to speak. I feel like a frustrated fisherman trying to catch one particular fish not interested in my bait in a school that has lots of biting fish.

[oad]

I feel you pilot, its such a crappy feeling of should I bother or should I try, at what point do you say enough is enough, I guess that comes when you have truly checked out. It seems you may be near that point. I pray that no matter what you choose to do that you are happy...you have been a good friend on the board to me and have always answered my posts. I have also felt the same, but her dad seems to think I can win her back. Hope we can figure our sh*t out soon.

[pilot]

Thanks oad. I guess for me it comes down to what is real. I loved my wife. We had problems I did not know about, and she snapped. I get it. But what is real and what is not? Was the wife I knew for 7 years real, or is this the real her now? Is the person I see a person in a fog, or a person who has undergone a self discovery and this is what you get? Part of this whole DB and detachment has led me to understand what I was missing in my M. I am a passive person by nature and was content to just let things be. But now I see where I could have had so much more. The natural choice would be to try and work things out with my W and mother of my kids. But that is not a choice I get to make unilaterally. Right now I kind of feel like I am playing roulette. I keep putting all my chips on a number hoping it will come up. Sure, it may very well in time. But at what personal cost? What opportunity cost?

Maybe I am just feeling down right now, or this week. I do not know. I just know when i look at her right now, I would not want to marry her, probably would not even ask her out on a date. The flip side, there are others out there who I know I would...