Stimulus-Response: The Experiment Continues

[GoatGal]

Thanks, Ggrass and FY,


I am talking about exactly that.

I am NOT pursuing, just keeping up my end of what we have always done in our marriage.

It's a point of connection we still share, and one that he has been willing to continue.

As FY said, why shoot myself in the foot to undo that connection because I need to make him nervous about what I might be up to?

The guy is jumpy and nervous around me as it is.


Believe me, there's plenty of mystery surrounding the old GGG...

Right now I am away at a friend's house for the weekend, doing crazy fun girl stuff. H knows there are also three young guys who live in the house and that we all hang out, go dancing, do Karoake, crash all over the living room.

(Cheezz, I sound like I'm having a MLC! But it's just a swing dance thing, traveling on the cheap, crashing with other dancers. Beats a three hour drive home at 2 AM!)


The point is, he has always trusted me. I think this is why someone with abandonment and attachment issues was able to stay with me.
I was never going to hurt him...and he was right.

Now I HAVE hurt him. After BD and OW he saw a side of me he didn't know existed.
People won't ever see that side unless they cross me.
Well, he betrayed me worse than anyone in my life and I hurt him right back.

For a long time he was literally afraid to be around me.
I have to bury those memories with newer, better ones.

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So I am open and honest, I am still me.
I mostly do not initiate anything, I'm busy and scarce.
But sometimes I throw him some kibbles.

That's the approach that seems to work best.
It's very open-ended, no expectations.

It's not chasing him--it's saying "I'm here, I'm still the person you knew (except better!) and I'm not going to hurt you."

That does NOT mean I will be here forever and I make that clear by my actions.
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Raine was compassionate and reassuring to her H when he was actively involved with OW in the depths if his crisis.
He needed her like a touchstone.
She couldn't fix him, but she was there.

My H is going through his crisis and has to get through it on his own.

I will not be his doormat nor allow him to cross my boundaries.
But I will be true to myself, my authentic self, and that includes being reliable, kind, vulnerable and open.

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Meanwhile, I have had to endure an ongoing barrage from well-meaning friends about how I am "putting my life on hold" (not), "letting him make me miserable" (not-mostly), that I need to "move on" and "let him go" because I am "sad."


Ummm....hello? 30 year olds who have never married, owned a home, or built a life with someone?

Leaving my home and my husband will not make me "happy".

A divorce will not make me "happy".

I have explained until I'm blue in the face that I AM moving on emotionally, but I am not going to allow a crazy person to force me to move on physically until I HAVE to!

Do they really think that getting rid of my animals, moving out of my home, divorcing my best friend and partner of almost three decades, giving up my dream of a sustainable farm filled with rescued animals would make me "happy"???


I know I'm preaching to the choir here.
Thanks for listening.
I'm just a bit tired of defending my stance to people who clearly think I'm a wimp or fraidy-cat for not just dumping his ass.

I'm not in the least. This is my choice and aside from some off moments, I'm having a pretty great time!


So I guess today I'll give them more of my PMA and let them see more of that.
Maybe they'll get it, maybe they won't!


------GGG
On my phone down in Old Virginny!