i'm seconding bea's suggestion you just give yourself permission to take a step back and do nothing ornot much for awhile. we do demand so much of ourselves- we think we "should Know" - we should "do", etc.
it's a hard long process- and i wonder same thing as you - when he's nice, did i idealize him? do i now3? do I ro manticize him when he's away- then realize allover again when he's present and pleasant that he is/isn't the same old guy.
it's an insane proce4ss- i've been doing it for either three or four years- can hardly rememer - feels like a thousant. this morning tho- for a change - felt a feeling of "wellbeing" for awhile- despite not enough sleep. i think it does come - very very very slowly- return to "normalcy" - well, i'm hoping anyway- fingers crossed.
you're doing good- hang on - no easy fixes around unfortunately.
