1 step forward 1000 steps back - part 4

[mdu]

OMG, just had a horrible experience. Hysterically crying now. I am oh so NOT detached.

D4 is starting Kindergarten in a few weeks. There was an event at her school for kids to meet each other. H, of course, was there. Things are definitely way different between us. It's frustrating bc he has been sending me 'friendly' texts and it gives me very mixed signals.

Anyway, I was pleasant and nice, chatted with some of the parents, etc. H and I kept some distance but after a while we were standing next to each other chatting some but there were also a lot of awkward silences.

Previously we had agreed that we would each take 1 of the last two weeks in August off to take care of the kids (S7 camps end). Suddenly, H says to me 'so when I'm off with the kids next week do you want me to just keep them the whole time?' For some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks. This life of losing half my time with my kids. I said 'well, I'd like to see them, I don't want to go a whole week not seeing them' and my voice was quivering. Tears welled in my eyes, although I had sunglasses on it was obvious I was very upset. I quickly walked away and said 'I'll think about it.' Then I decided it was best to get out of there bc the tears were coming. I quickly said goodbye to the kids, waved to him and bolted.

I hate him for taking my kids from me. I don't know how I will ever get over the time lost with them. I especially don't know how I will get over if we D and I lose them 50% of the time permenately. I realize that my emotional reaction was not good, it came on so suddenly. I tried to manage it as best I could.

I feel like I'm being played. I feel like he's being nice enough to keep things calm between us until he's ready to file. His older D has been staying with me a lot before she goes back to college in a few weeks. I feel like that might be the milestone he is waiting for before filing.

He texted me as I left the event 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.'

Ok, whatever.

It's just all so different and I really don't know what to do. There's such a distance between us and it hurts. No amount of GALing will fill the hole that having a broken family has created for me. All I've ever wanted was kids and a family and now he's breaking it apart. I find it so hard to detach when I have to see him so much for the kids.