1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

I might get crucified for this post but I’ve been thinking about my STBX’s role in the downfall of the marriage. I’m starting to think she was wired to be a bit sadistic. If she just was playing a subconcious game of ‘now I’ve got you you son of a *****!’ in which the goal was to be the righteous victim. So she sacrificed everything, more than I wanted her to ever. She gave up her life, did nothing for herself, and blamed it all on me. Then she cut me off from any feelings of significance, desire, or intimacy, and starved me of affection. Then when I got frustrated and acted out she saved up each offence in a journal and built a case against me that was used to crucify me at judgment day. Now I’m the abusive bad husband and she’s playing the game of ‘reclaiming her identity’.

I’m not playing that game anymore. I know she loved me, and I know consciously she didn’t want to suffer, didn’t want to hurt me. Maybe it’s just the way she was programmed. I do know it is EXACTLY how things played out with her mom and her dad. Her mom left her dad, is still single, and is still seething at her dad after all these years. For sure there are many things she could’ve changed, many ways she could have communicated differently with me, and many things we could’ve tried together before she threw it in. But she accomplished her goal of satisfying herself that a marriage just wasn’t possible.

I’ve been so focused on my own problems, my own issues, my own destruction, I haven’t until now even thought seriously about her role. But I’m starting to realize she had a serious part in it. Maybe more serious since she ended it.

How is that the DB way to focus on her? It's not, and I'll go back to focusing on me. It just helps me for two reasons. One, as per my prior posts it's a reminder that I'm not the Devil, just a poisonous person that has no choice but to bring pain to those I love. And two, this helps me to remember that even if she is ever open to reconciliation someday I have to be cautious that she is ready to win, and done playing victim.

OK. That all said I've been following my DB's coach and have plans for my STBX's Bday...I'll post if anyone is interested but it's basically cool gifts from the kids that show some consideration...goodnight all!