For better or for worse, for richer or for PORES?

[Raine]

My H admits he was very attracted to and "hot" for me all through this, but that I was not obtainable and he thought that I deserved better.

Very interesting, Raine. I'm curious about the above quote from you. Did your h ever let on that he was "hot" for you? Many LBS's are told that it's no longer there, you know, the ILYBNILWY... (or in my case- IDLY), and that they aren't attracted to lbs anymore... yadda, yadda...

I just find it interesting that he was always checking you out. As they say, the MLCer is watching the lbs, even when lbs does not know it.

No, he didn't say anything like that, and I think a lot of that is more subconscious and in retrospect that he can see it now. He told me very early on, about a month or so into S that I was more beautiful now than I was when he married me. He would tell me I was amazing or talk about how amazing I was to other people, but there was nothing that I would call a flirtation. Even at the start of reconciliation, he never put himself out there like that.

But now that he is open about everything, yes, he will talk about times. We went to a concert together, and outdoor one, just as friends. He had moved back in, but we were only friends. He talks about how amazing I looked that night, how much fun I was. He loved that I was dancing and the dress I wore. He said it brought him an incredible amount of sadness that night, because he loved every moment, and he felt like moments like that were not his anymore.

He talks about how I used to lay in his bed at night and listen to a podcast and talk, again just as friends, but how he would long to just be close to me and hold me, but he would never make a move and risk anything. He was happy just to have that small time with me and what closeness that was, and he was too afraid of offending me and that I wouldn't come back.

So yes I feel like it was always there, but so was the fear of rejection. He didn't care about OW rejection, but he cared about mine. He didn't want me to find out about anything. He says he should have wanted me to, to make things easier to end where he didn't have to do the work, but he was always so afraid of me finding out.

I think he was always attracted to me, but there was for sure a long period of time where he didn't want to be married to me. He says it doesn't make logical sense to him now, but he knows the person he was then felt that way. He knows how he felt and how he justified everything to himself because of how he felt, but he can't explain it now.

And yes, he was always watching me. Always testing me throughout the entire time. Always hanging on everything I did and said. And even now he hangs on everything I say and looks to me and values everything I do and say. Just now he is very open about it.