Expectation: Zero. I figured H would pull back, so went on with my day. Morning text from H was back to business about the house. I still do not initiate contact (yay me).
Then 11:30 H sends a friendly, random, non-business text to me.... "There is a big snake that came out of the bathroom across the street in the other building. They did not catch it and everyone is panicking. LOL"
M:Omg I would be, too!! (Ok, so here we go, warming up, friendly...)
H: I have work to do on the house tonight after work so I won't be ready at 5pm. Light bulbs and wiping down doors and light switches, dusting. air vents. I have to be ready for showings this weekend as early as tomorrow evening! (House has been an excuse for weeks....it's been ready and I just saw it last night...ummmm. Yeah.)
Here's the thing....... it didn't matter what the excuse was. <<<< This is where I can't allow myself to get hung up.
What I heard between the lies, was that H needs time and space. I am DBing for this reason. So I am choosing to not get distracted by the tactics he feels he needs to use, pathetic and lame as they may seem.... This is the only way he is capable right now of communicating that for whatever reason, he isn't comfortable and needs to change the plan. Why would I want him to be uncomfortable? That doesn't help either of us right now. There will be a day that he will have to come to terms with the lies and behaviors. That day is not today.
So my response was: "Would you like help?" I pretty much knew the answer, but maybe not so I asked. Detached from the answer.
H: It's not your job to do but thanks
M: No problem. If you change your mind let me know.
Then after he was off the hook, texts came in rapid-fire! Yep! Flirty and dirty. This went on for hours. Then AGAIN, as if he didn't already cancel the 5:00 kiss date....
H: Idk when I'll be free tonight btw. Having problem with S20
M: Oh? I'm sorry you're having a problem with S20. Is he ok?
H: he will be. Attitude.
(Ok....REALLY???!??!! This was pure comedy. But as I'm watching this, it's becoming more interesting to me the timing and reasons and thoughts that change so quickly....and the fact that 1. H had already canceled but must have forgotten. 2. Since when does a person cancel anything because of an attitude of a 20 year old son? I can't even make this up.). .
M: No worries on my end about tonight. Take care of what you need to. I have plenty I can do:)
THEN after about an hour or so, I'm home from work. H begins rapid fire texting me again. Only THIS time..... Wait for it.... From the tanning bed. No- IN the tanning bed. Yeah. He sent a pic.
Then after a little while, more rapid fire flirty and dirty and again, around 7:30, H asks me to come over at 9:00. ????? What about the house and the son and.... Lol. Who cares. Again, I know ow is there. BUT.... I like that H makes her leave for me. I like knowing she isn't sleeping there for that night, anyway....2 in a row, but who's counting. This is so twisted. And it gets more twisted...
So H is cracking me up, and gets me to come over. I'm excited. I know this isn't a "real" building of our R. But I wanted to see H for several reasons. I also decided I wanted to ML, which would really be just sex. But I brought protection because I really wanted to.
Fully realizing this will likely introduce cake-eating. I'm aware, and I believe in my case, with my detachment level, I'm ok with giving him a bigger taste of cake. I will not allow this long term, tho. BUT I thought about it, and I really wanted to add to his current awareness of me (while it lasts, anyway), and give him more "good" and "positive" to associate with me, and to remember when I'm not there. I'm aware H is comparing. I'm confident about that, for some reason though. If H was sure he was done with me, truly happy in love and satisfied by ow, he wouldn't be having ow leave and wanting me back there. He's not thinking deeply about relationships or anything like that I'm sure. But he's definitely confused about what to do. I know in my gut he doesn't want ow. I believe he doesn't know how to undo this. Patience. It will die in time. He's figuring it out.
So then we (you know) without any mention of ow or anything. When I first took out the c, H said he had been tested and was ok. I said "Good! I'm glad. Here." And with no other discussion about it, he put it on.
Yeah. He misses me. I can tell you that
I can also tell you he's not ready for more. But he's cookin'.
SOOOOOOO this is the weirdest, twisted, I don't even know... I'm at my house.....but it's not really my house. I'm in my bed.......but it's not really my bed. Laying next to my H........but he doesn't want to be my H. We just (you know) and suddenly hear a sound from outside the MB..... And we JUMPED like teenagers thinking our parents just came home lol! Only it was fear of H ADULT KIDS CATCHING US. ...... In bed. Together. Our bed. We are married. In our house. And we're afraid of being caught together.
Wtfffffff???? How is this even a thing that happened.
----------Reflecting--------
THIS IS WHAT IS CHANGING IN ME: Like my H, I find myself changing thoughts fast, too....I go from finding humor and confusion of his words on the surface, to feeling empathy and sadness for the pain and conflict his brain must be in. This is so complicated. I know he's in there. I'm backing off. I can do this.
Next post (or chapter?) is the big R text talk from Friday.... Very, very telling.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
