The more I think about everything. It doesn't matter if she's softened at all on her stance. She has been texting so much more lately about stuff, but on occasion I find myself iniating some stuff. Usually once a week I will just send hope you are having a good day, testing a bit, sometimes something sometimes nothing, but I feel my expectations are lessening over time. I feel it's more me trying to show her that she is important not just to me, but just important. Right or wrong, I don't know, but I am going to back off for a few days and see if she starts anything contact wise. If not, I will continue the NC, until she does.
The exchange last night and this morning, was not healthy. It was more just a way for each to tell each other what we are feeling, but we both knew that already. I know she's not ready, and I know she knows I am standing for my family. I had been doing so good validating too, I think the reason she has started to talk more.
A lot if feelings the last few days of why am I doing this. Is it for my family for me, I keep coming back to my family. I don't care if I win or not, I want to be whole again, in a loving relationship. I think the thoughts come from me thinking is that really her, can I deal with her disease, can I really keep the changes I am making stick. I know I can if I want to, but the desire fluctuates somewhat. I broke down last night, was praying for guidance and help to figure out the right path. Hopefully someone is listening.
