For better or for worse, for richer or for PORES?

[Raine]

I have got to believe that for most of the people who come back from an affair, whatever the reason or circumstance was, that they are not going to fully drop the rope to the OW until they know for sure that they have a tight grasp on the LBS, or more importantly, that the LBS has a tight grasp on them. I think my H dropping that rope to the OW before having any kind of guarantee with me is rare. For him the possibility of losing what little tie he still had left to me was enough to drop the other ropes.

Now saying all this, when he and I started to reconnect, we didn't talk about anything. He couldn't handle that and I'm sure it would be quite overwhelming for someone in his fragile state to be put into relationship talks and demands, to be interrogated, to have to face everything he has done and the pain he has caused.

I had a boundary of no ow if he was going to stay in the house. When we started being intimate, I would hand him a condom or ask him to grab one. There wasn't a discussion about it. This went on for several months. It was 2.5 months after we were intimate before he started being verbal about anything relationship wise. About a month later, at my request, he got the full std workup. I never denied him or rejected him, but I protected myself. Nothing was ever accusatory or negative. Just matter of fact. I did have to push him on getting the tests. There are somethings that you can't give to them on their timeline. When it involves your health and safety or that of the kids, there is a line, but you can do it without making a big deal about it or over explaining yourself. He knew why. I didn't need to ask or tell.

I believe that they have to feel safe. That you can actually accept them and love them and forgive them. That they're not going to have to pay for their sins the rest of their life, although my H has said over and over again that he will and he deserves to. What is most important to me right now is helping him get to the place where he can forgive himself. I know he has to do that, but I will be there for any support he needs.

So in this long wind to answer your question, know what your limits and boundaries are now, and stick to them. Stick to them without discussion. Just enjoy it, without expectations or demands. Men work backwards from women. The physical comes first. He will get to the emotional later, on his timeline. Which is likely why you don't see men on here with wives who are "hot for them." It doesn't work that way for women. They will reconnection emotionally first. My H admits he was very attracted to and "hot" for me all through this, but that I was not obtainable and he thought that I deserved better.