Saving my family - Part 13

[25yearsmlc]

one comment to the "Fixers" out there.

There have been times when I've just wanted to be heard, about a problem I had. I've wanted to share with my h, those things.

Like I had work related problems or a family problem with a sibling and a parent, or a bff, etc.

When I'd bring these up to my h, it SEEMED TO ME, that he'd very quickly suggest a "solution"--

"Get a different job", "tell your boss why he's wrong", "tell your brother it's none of his business what your mom is spending her money on", "put the kids in time out", "cut that friend off for good", ETC.

Now, a lot of those suggestions were reasonable, except that I had already thought of them, used them to no avail or rejected them as solutions,

AND OR I did not want those "fixes"...then.

For instance, I did not want a different job, I just wanted to vent for 5 minutes about a hard day I had. OR the kids may have been difficult for 4 hours straight, etc. I do not want to give them away (most days... )

H assumed I wanted HIM to fix it, or to tell me how to fix it.

But I did NOT want that.

I wanted h to listen to me and hear me, comfort me and that's it.

Unless I am missing out on something that somehow h knew but I didn't, it's highly unlikely that he'd come up with a solution I had not already considered, and used, or rejected.


Thing is, I just wanted to be heard and listened to. And maybe comforted.

When H tells me his "Fix it" solution, WHAT I WOULD HEAR WAS:

"W, I just told you how to fix it. Either do that or don't, but don't keep talking about it. I gave you the 'answer' and now you are just whining. Be quiet now."

Of course he was not telling me to stfu, but it FELT LIKE IT, b/c he was more or less "ending" the conversation with his fixes. Nothing left to talk about, right?

Do you see how my h meant well - but how it was NOT received well?

I did NOT want to be told how to fix it, I just wanted to be comforted.
His fixes seemed like "shut ups" to me, b/c they don't really allow for more sharing.

Fixes tend to "end the talk" and that ends the sharing. Which surprises and hurts my h.

Just thought I'd share that.