Maybell VI

[Maybell]

I think it's a little of both, but my going for it makes it easier for him to delay addressing his issues. If we are slowly rebuilding our relationship he knows I'll be more patient; if he just wants to be friends then I don't have any reason to delay working with the lawyer.

I actually believe we will come back together because of some things that transpired in MC. But the bar is higher than it used to be for making that happen, which I think he knows.

But it really doesn't matter, because regardless of his motives I am not able to live the relationship that way without coming to pieces. Now that I am aware of my capabilities and my boundaries I must honor them. My kids are depending on me to be healthy, and I feel better than I've done in a long while.

[Eatsma]

Maybell,

You sound awesome!!! YOU GO GIRL!

[CS000]

Maybell, I think it's great that you kept your boundaries in mind and know what you deserve. I didn't do that and regret it. I hope things keep improving for you!

[Meghan]

This is a great realisation, Maybell - a relationship is useless if you can't be your wonderful, strong, authentic self within it.

[Maybell]

I appreciate the support.

He asked in great frustration several months ago why I couldn't be just friends with him, "Why does it have to be all or nothing with you?" And I was greatly frustrated that I should even be asked to articulate why, but also that I couldn't, but knew it to be true.

Now I remember it was true then and it's still true but I've been spun around so many times that I lost my bearings with regard to that question and I missed him so much. I appreciate my SIL reminding me of my value. I really had lost track of it. It's a small but crucial change of thinking. (My very good friend told me last winter that I needed to get reacquainted with my self-worth and I struggled then with even understanding what that meant.)

Now I'm a little anxious that I've kissed my marriage goodbye. There are still many things about him I value. I won't deny that I'm scared. But also, I feel kind of peaceful within myself, like I've found my bottom line and if I end up divorced it won't be because I was rejected out of hand but because we couldn't make the terms work.

I'm not proud of rejecting that request. I am just at peace with it. It is the truth of where I am, though I hope for better. I can't be expected to ignore my truth while he's chasing his.

[Meghan]

That's a hard thing to articulate. I think the basic argument - I am your wife, and therefore should be different from a friend - is true, but not all that specific and doesn't really get to the heart of it.

It's like being demoted. It's a loss. And it seems to me that there's also an element of cake eating, like we've always talked about - like your H. is denying your value when it suits him so he can have his cake and eat it too.

I don't think you've necessarily kissed your marriage goodbye. I think you've asserted boundaries that will allow you to eventually have a stronger marriage, and that show that you're someone who knows your own values and your own boundaries, which is attractive.

If you wound up back in your marriage without knowing your worth, you'd likely wind up here again, or in another not great place. Know your value!

[labug]

Live your life, let him live his. Right now you can't be friends with him but you can be friendly, right?

I don't see his wanting to be friends with the wife of his children as cake-eating. I think it's a reasonable thing, just not right now for you. We use our definition of the word/act of being a friend. His may be very different. Again friend or friendly.

I doubt you've kissed your M goodbye, maybe you're just uncomfortable with things being undecided, unsettled, in process, uncertain. No straight line with a defined beginning, middle and ending.

Stay curious, my friend.

[Maybell]

Well, he put his ring on his keychain according to my D. But he wears it for me. Response to my taking off my engagement ring? Experiment? Not my problem?

He's done a tiny, tiny bit of pursuing this week. So the ring is his way of processing same as mine was?

Not my problem?

[JCred]

Well, he put his ring on his keychain according to my D. But he wears it for me. Response to my taking off my engagement ring? Experiment? Not my problem?

More than likely still involved with OW.

[Maybell]

Labug, reading your thread I notice that I'm following in your footsteps with regard to control & impatience issues. That must be why you've been so helpful and spot on for me.

This afternoon was a struggle but I think I'm talked down now. It hurt that he took off his ring, but if it's part of his process as it was for me then I have to let it go. I put my engagement ring back on about a week ago. He doesn't know that yet. But it was for me, a signal of what I envision (facing the brutal reality of where I am and confidence that I will ultimately prevail) rather than a way of signaling to him what I want. It feels better on. Leaving it off was about anger and defiance. I'm not feeling like he needs to be defied anymore. My feelings have changed.

It worried me that he might be trying dating (he travels so much) but I think I read in someone else's thread that if you are willing to reconcile after separation that you have to be ok with not knowing what happened during that time.

Is that right?

When he texted today to talk to the kids (they didn't want to) he said he was going on a literary pub crawl tonight. Nice that he told me what he's doing. Jealous it's something I would enjoy too. Anxious he's not wearing his ring.

I don't know how I feel about that. I guess that's a problem for another day.

I still feel a lot of peace and even relief at the boundary I laid about not being friends. I can be pleasant. But I can't be friends the way I am a friend to anyone else. That would be false and destructive. I can not do it without expectation.

I have found that I've become really afraid to spend money. This isn't stopping me from spending some, for the trip we're on, etc., but I'm really worrying about it. I'm spending significantly less than I did before the separation. Getting a job will be my first priority when I get back.

Yes, I still wonder what will happen next. Mostly with me.

I hope he is moving forward. I hope he sees more possibility in his life, and I hope that becoming a man I'd be a fool to leave is part of that.