The more I think about, "I'm not saying we will never try again, my heart just isn't ready today", it tells me to back off completely. Really let loose on everything, and see where it takes us. My patience has been wearing thin of late. I have been hard on myself, not sleeping well. And worried about money, kids, and time. It has finally caught up to me in a big way. I completely backslid with the text convo. Puts me at least a few months more behind the eight ball.
I need to get a keg of STFU, and throw my cell in the garbage. I think I just her stance softening until I pushed too hard on our texts. I was so proud of being patient for the last few weeks. A big part was thoughts of OM, but you know what, I was involved in a little tryst and if she is as well what can I really say. I made my words seem hollow, saying we cannot date others. I found out I was more hurt that she could talk to another man that wasn't me, and disclose personal details. Guess what, I did the same, and I pushed her into it by not listening to what I needed to hear.
I was reading some threads, and it hit me that yes I was lazy, complacent, and thinking it will all blow over. I never thought she would leave, never thought I would be alone. Here I am though, all do to not listening. I am thinking this has a lot more to do with me than her. My choices, my mistakes led to this. I can see the things she could have done, but really it was up to me. Now what do I need to do, make the positive changes. I haven't gotten angry in so long, truly not able to control my thoughts and rage. But the lack if sleep is taking it's toll.
