Finding my way - part 4

[Meghan]

A few notes at the end of separation day to remind myself of some good stuff (sentiments may change depending on the day as I move forward):

The apartment that I felt was too small feels positively palatial now. Not having a bed in the living room helps with this a good deal.

In a very related note, not sleeping in the living room looks like it could be lovely.

I'm excited that I can arrange the apartment any way that I want - put candles out, hang whatever pictures I want wherever I want, and all that jazz.

H. left a bunch of gross stuff behind - this further highlights that if we do wind up trying again in the future, some things will definitely have to change.

There are sad moments when I come across things like framed mementos or things that he made for me. But I've noticed that most of these things are from years ago and are not recent. Telling? Perhaps. Could mean a bunch of things, though.

In general, I'm feeling okay. I'm sad a lot. There are things I wish I could share with him now - funny things I read, a hug at the end of the day, my good news from earlier. But there's a clear undercurrent of freedom that I'm feeling right now that is really helping to bolster me. Things will be okay in the end, no matter how this turns out.

[unbidden]

You sound good. Good for you. Things will be ok, and likely even much better in the long run. Hang in there

[claire7]

Things will be okay in the end, no matter how this turns out.

True dat.

Making a list of things I actually liked about NOT living with him helped me get over the sadness when he officially moved out.

[Maybell]

Absolutely.

I saw a film today about repairing the Hubble telescope. The astronaut had to remove thirty-two tiny screws to get into the compartment to make the repair. He's standing in a space suit wearing gloves, handling an expensive screwdriver doing precision work in what feels like oven mitts. If he snags the gloves on a screw or a rough edge his suit could decompress and he will die in the vacuum of space.

He said, when I stand out there to unscrew 32 tiny screws, I don't think about all 32 screws. I just unscrew one. In that moment, that's the only screw I need to unscrew. When I'm done, I move on to the next one.

Words to live by.

[Meghan]

I am, oddly enough, feeling better than I thought. The first part of the day was not good - lots of crying, lots of obsessing about whether he had an emotional affairs, lots of freaking out about what he'd be doing when he's away from me and had freedom.

But then I played some music and started rearranging the apartment, and I felt better. And I got a nice message from my aunt (my dad's told the rest of the family now), and that was nice. And then I got an email about the grant funding that I applied for, and I felt even better, especially after a friend said, "see, your life is improving already!" And I made myself a good dinner, set up the bed and bedroom so I'll be comfy tonight, and watched some TV, and things felt okay.

Claire - the list of things I like about being on my own has really helped too. It's easy to see everything that feels like a major loss right now, but there are benefits in there. Eating and cooking what I want. No longer sleeping in the living room. No more having to explain my book collection or why I own two typewriters. More time to spend with friends. No sharing the bathroom.

There will be a lot more down moments, I'm sure. Not every day is going to be awesome, or even that good. I'm still holding out a bit of hope that H. might come around and we can work through this, but that may not come to pass. There may be negative interactions along the way, or no interactions at all for a good long while.

For now, I'm focusing on those screws, Maybell, and getting through one little thing - and usually one little thing that's mostly for me - at a time. In the words of an old folk song, "Step by step the longest march can be won, can be won." Just have to keep going - the only way out is through.

[LisaB]

Hi Meghan, I had the same exact experience when my H moved out. Super sad but then I started rearranging stuff and cleaning up and actually felt happy to have the house to myself without his "gross" stuff as you said. Exactly!

Then when he told me he found a place with a year lease I was not as sad as I could have been because I thought to myself "I like living alone for now without your dirty socks and dishes, pig."

Good luck in the next few days. Get ready for ups and downs, it's usually quite the rollercoaster!

And yeah, don't snoop. It just hurts you, even though you feel you may be empowered by the truth, it just hurts like h#ll. You may not find an EA but you may find him saying bad stuff about you and the R that you don't want to see.

Hugs, LisaB

[Meghan]

Good points, Lisa. If nothing else, my moral compass won't let me snoop, I don't think, there's just this sense of feeling like if I knew more I could be more in control, or have more answers, or maybe even have an easier thing to blame him for or get angry about.

None of that solves the real issues, though, and none of that is even necessarily true.

For now, the plan is to stay out of contact and focus on me. It was nice to sleep in an actual bed last night, and I'm setting up the apartment so it works for me. I'm seeing lots of opportunities that I didn't before. I can have people over now that there's not a bed in the living room. I can have a dedicated meditation and yoga space. There's more room for projects that I've been putting off.

I'm sad this morning - really sad. The feelings of loss are still going strong in spite of everything else, as are thoughts and questions about what he's doing now and, possibly, with whom. I'm doing what I can to get through it. I'm going to go for a bike ride, make a nice lunch, and spend some more time making this place the way I want it. If I'm up for it, I may try for a bit of work - it could be a good distraction and I'm feeling behind.

[Maybell]

You have good plans. Don't worry about your H.

Have a great day!

[LisaB]

Yeah you sound super awesome! I think you're going to do great with or without him. Maybe you'll even realize you are glad he left and you'll have a better life without him. It really sounds like you are terrific. I'll bet he realizes he screwed up and will come running back. And if he doesn't, he's the fool.

Have a great day today!
hugs, Lisa

[mdu]

You're doing amazing Meghan. I'm incredibly impressed that you are already working to get focused on yourself. You go!