My poor BFF, I just talked her ear off and cried for hours about my feelings and pain and everything.
I talked to d early tonight because h said he was going out and I needed to speak to her early because she'd be with a babysitter tonight. She and I talked then he got on the phone. I asked where he was going (stupid!) and he said he'd bought Hollywood Bowl tix and was taking a violinist friend (female, young, beautiful) because the feature tonight is a solo violinist. Awesome. Then he talked about how he'd set up his new place, moved the furniture we discussed into his apartment, hired movers, all that. It made me sad but I was trying to stay detached. He seemed so happy. A new apartment, a cool concert tonight with a pretty girl. I can't help but think he's super excited to start his bachelor life. It hurts.
We tell our daughter on Saturday, after I return. I am not looking forward to that. My heart just aches tonight, I feel like I could cry for weeks.
Talking about this with my BFF made me start to wonder if h is going through a MLC. He bought a $100K car in December. Soon after the bomb drop I did some snooping (I found DB later that day) and found profiles at Ashley Madison and some fetish sites, an insane amount of porn, some craigslist singles things, an anonymous email account started in 2009 (!!!!!) where he emailed girls on Craigslist for sex, even got a couple girls' rates for "sensual massage"and "bfe" but when I approached him about it then he said he'd never met up with anyone. I said it certainly wasn't for lack of trying but left it alone. He said he had various email accounts mostly for spam and junk emails. He changed the password on his laptop the day I approached him. Suspicious much?
I've been looking through our credit card bills and his expenses are astronomical. $200+ dinners, $41 coffee shop visits, $160 bar tabs... These looks like dates to me. And they are frequent. On. Nights he's "working late". He even bought $64.00 worth of gasoline at Chevron buy he drives a100% electric car. Did he buy someone a tank of gas? He's spent $1,000 in cigars over two months. To my knowledge he smokes a cigar on occasion with buddies for fun. On occasion. $1,000 in cigars isn't for someone having an occasional cigar. His email showed he was tracking down special boots for a coworker on eBay because hers were stollen from her suitcase during a trip. 20 email exchanges to track down these boots for this woman. He has the app Tinder, two burner phone apps and two burner texting apps. He says there is no other woman.
What am I to think?
It hurts. So badly I want to crawl into a hole. So badly I want him to hurt like I do right now. I've not been a good wife, I recognize this but this stuff? Tinder? Hookers on craigslist? And he says he can't trust me? How do I set this stuff aside and act as if? How do I act happy and pave the road home smoothly with this chit in the way?
Not to take away from the obvious work I need to do on myself during this separation. There's so much and I'm really looking forward to getting down and dirty with it. I'm pissed at myself though for feeling guilty for spending $75 on IC (high copay) when he has dropped thousands entertaining his friends or possibly other women. I'm an idiot.
How do I turn THIS around? It feels insurmountable, even if I am trying to detach.
