I think I’m one of those people who can clearly see solutions for everyone else but I’m blind as a bat when it comes to me.

I can’t tell you why I think a legal separation is the best thing. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

The last time my wife and I had contact was July 28. She sent an email with an 11 page letter attached. It explained how she felt. The letter wasn’t combative.


In summary (these are her words) she said she felt marriage was a place where she should be able to express herself openly without fear of being judged or disliked. It was a place where we would learn about life as we aged. She thought it would be a place where we would experience extreme emotions but she didn’t think we would always experience extreme emotions at the same time. She thought marriage should be a place where we would protect each other when extreme emotions happened. A safe haven so we didn’t have to walk through life alone.

Then she said she was wrong. She didn’t feel our marriage wasn’t any of those things.

She said, “Everyone seemed to know my marriage was shallow but me. I feel like I just learned I was in a very shallow relationship. And I’m overwhelmed with this information. I feel stupid. I thought I was in this amazingly intimate relationship. And suddenly I learned that I was wrong. You knew it. Your family knew it. Your friends knew it. This is probably why everyone thought it was a good idea for you to divorce me the minute it got difficult for you. And why no one, including you, applauded me for fighting to hold on to this marriage. I can’t imagine how pitiful I look to everyone. Like I said, I just feel stupid and overwhelmed. And humiliated. I feel really humiliated. I can honestly say that I think I’ve humiliated myself enough for one lifetime. I just wanted to get all this off my chest. You can tell your friends and family that I won’t bother you anymore.”


On July 28, I sent her an email response:


“I read your response. I had a few thoughts. I am afraid this may be rambling, but my mind is going one hundred miles. You reference my apologies but my inability to change. I will say maybe it is not easy for a person to see their own changes so maybe I am missing something or even a lot, but I honestly felt I was able to change and be more supportive. I tried to be there more as a better listener and just be supportive. I was never perfect and I know you never said I had to be perfect. I want you to know I did try. I thought I was changing my ways. I know you did also.
“I tried to write yesterday about how I recognized your pain and hurt. I don’t pretend to know it all as I firmly believe nobody can truly know how another person feels. I can recognize the hurt and pain I caused and as I have said this will be something that haunts me. In no way though do I somehow think I was the only one in pain and you were not. When things first went bad I thought I was the only one hurting. I missed your pain and that was wrong. I came to recognize I caused pain and hurt.
“You are right I have not gotten over my hurt. The way I deal with it is very poor. I bottled it up and then when it became unbottled I live in fear of it coming back. I don’t argue I don’t handle it well. At times I thought I knew more than you and tried to push my ways on you this was wrong but I tried to stop doing this.”


This was the last communication between us.

When I left the message on the voice mail on August 4 telling her I filed the separation papers she didn’t call or email me.

I don’t know how to proceed. I’m genuinely baffled.