1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

OK, for anyone that survived my previous post, here's the update. I spoke with my DB Coach today. Among other things I brought up how I had been feeling last night.

She told me that while many men never change, I was by no means destined to be destructive in my relationships forever. She said most men who don't change (based on her experience with thousands) denied, deflected, blamed, and justified their behavior. And that when my talk is dissatisfaction with how little I've grown, and disgust with my role in the M destruction, she says that I absolutely have a chance to grow.

The next thing she said was that I shouldn't focus so much on what I did that didn't work. But instead I should focus on what I'm doing now that IS working. She says beating the dead horse doesn't help and actually hurts.

When I told her I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me for being so controlling in my R, she told me that I had mixed up wants with needs. She said that I wasn't getting what I needed, and that I was trying to force things I WANTED that I thought would fill that void. She said I may never get exactly what I wanted, but that it would be possible to get what I needed. She referenced feeling 'significant, appreciated, cared about, and desirable'.

That made me hopeful. I definitely felt cared about, but did feel pretty undesirable and insignificant in my R. It was always about the kids, etc. And by STBX playing the role of the noble sacrificial martyr that gave everything for the family, I took on the role of the taking dominant controlling H. I don't want that ever again. But it gives me hope that if I can change and be a better H, and my partner gives me what I need...I can go without some of the perversions I thought I needed.

To be clear, I'm not patting myself on the back. And I wasn't fishing for praise. I just felt so down and defeated yesterday it was nice to have just enough hope to keep going. And I have to. Giving up hope would be selfish because my kids need me, and maybe even my W will need me to make the changes I need to make.

Goodnight all,

Z