Finding my way - part 4

[Meghan]

I am, oddly enough, feeling better than I thought. The first part of the day was not good - lots of crying, lots of obsessing about whether he had an emotional affairs, lots of freaking out about what he'd be doing when he's away from me and had freedom.

But then I played some music and started rearranging the apartment, and I felt better. And I got a nice message from my aunt (my dad's told the rest of the family now), and that was nice. And then I got an email about the grant funding that I applied for, and I felt even better, especially after a friend said, "see, your life is improving already!" And I made myself a good dinner, set up the bed and bedroom so I'll be comfy tonight, and watched some TV, and things felt okay.

Claire - the list of things I like about being on my own has really helped too. It's easy to see everything that feels like a major loss right now, but there are benefits in there. Eating and cooking what I want. No longer sleeping in the living room. No more having to explain my book collection or why I own two typewriters. More time to spend with friends. No sharing the bathroom.

There will be a lot more down moments, I'm sure. Not every day is going to be awesome, or even that good. I'm still holding out a bit of hope that H. might come around and we can work through this, but that may not come to pass. There may be negative interactions along the way, or no interactions at all for a good long while.

For now, I'm focusing on those screws, Maybell, and getting through one little thing - and usually one little thing that's mostly for me - at a time. In the words of an old folk song, "Step by step the longest march can be won, can be won." Just have to keep going - the only way out is through.