Saving my family - Part 13

[25yearsmlc]

This is Not as long as it looks (I promise!) I'm just highlighting my replies to your comments... but to summarize, your comments make me more certain than before, that your wife is NOT ready for you to make a move.

Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to read my story 25years and for all your feedback. It truly is very much appreciated. I'll try to respond to all of your questions.

In fact, I know SOME women do that and for SOME women, you being a bit mysterious about your whereabouts would probably help.

This is something I have been doing during the week when I don't have the kids. I've met a few new people and been spending time with them. I think my W has picked up on that a bit.

I also know you pursued the HECK out of your w til she literally could not stand talking to you on the phone, at all, and would not allow you to speak to your children without "supervision" and she had you arrested---So that she could take the kids to live hours away from you, and only when forced, did she relent and "allow" you to have them more.


I did a LOT of pursuing during the first few months, it definitely did not help. I also let my guilt for my past mistakes put me in a position to almost lose my kids entirely. looking back it's hard to believe I acted as I did. Guilt can be a nasty thing, it's something I'm still working on letting go of.


I suspect you were a bully to her, and the guilt and accompanying realizations put you in a much weaker position. Make sure you work on AND keep on, the changes.

The more you know you are not the "old Scorp", the better, & the more you'll act from a position of confidence and strength (not arrogance, not impulsive selfishness, but a quiet strength and knowing confidence.


I ASSUME (but I don't "know") that she saw/sees you as a bully, or she lied the whole time about you, but my gut says she probably did have that perception. She probably knowingly exaggerated but figured "the ends justify the means", etc.


I think she did see me as a bully. I always told her that I wanted her as my partner, an equal, my actions likely said otherwise. I was controlling and my insecurity meant I felt the need to dictate how our life went. She followed me into whatever I would lead us in to and it wasn't very good at times.

So then, the trust in your "leadership" was understandably broken and took a big hit? That makes sense. It's sad, but I understand it. When the time comes, IF IF IF it does, you can own that specifically, b/c I think someday hearing it might help. NOT NOW or anytime soon, but maybe someday.


We had far too much stress, too much pressure and I didn't give her the satisfaction of being happy with our life very often. She is a pleaser and she looked for me to be happy so she could be happy herself.

so YOU were not happy, and that spread? OR you would not "give" or allow her to be happy if you were not? IS that b/c you feared if she felt comfortable she'd then spend more or misery loves company or what? I'm just curious.


No offense but if you look at MY time line below, I hope you'll understand why I see your belief that "10 months is so long", and your compulsion to push for more NOW, means your patience level is still juvenile. Since having more patience is a 180 for you, I suggest you work on that a whole lot more.

Besides, the biggest turn on for HER is probably the fact that you moved and spent so much energy on getting to see the kids. IF you start in now pushing for any type of recon, it'll look like it was all tactical to get her back.


10 months does feel like a long time. It may be my insecurity that is causing me to feel that waiting any longer to act would mean we won't get back together. I have to realize that backing off and being patient will give my family the best chance of being back together.

absolutely the best thing YOU can do now is learn to sit in the discomfort you have created and learn from it. I do not yet believe you are really truly ready to reconcile right now, based on how you speak & your rushing things that seem to me, to be obviously too soon.

You have learned a lot about what NOT to do in a marriage but I fear you do not have enough "to do" models. Meaning positive role models of men whom you admire or respect, who have healthy marriages and from whom you can learn how to cope with stress and grief and everyday problems that we all learn to face.

Taking life on life's terms. Not continually trying to maneuver or manipulate outcomes. That is something you still do.

You call it your "insecurity" and surely there is a lot of that at the root of your issues. The need/desire to control others is probably related to it. But regardless, it's unappealing and destructive. You MUST manage that trait and change it asap.


It's interesting you mention that my actions with my kids could be viewed by my W as tactics to get her back.


Only IF you start asking her for more, or moving in for more, or pressing for more, THEN I believe it would make nearly every woman in this scenario, think to herself "Aha! THAT is what he is really doing this all for!

It's not the kids after all! It's just his need to control ME and Not leave me alone like I keep telling him to do..."

Plus, her parents are probably worried just as much about the same thing.

I love my kids more than anything in this world and I want to give them the best father they can have, regardless of my W. If you could view my actions as being some type of ploy to get my W back then it's very possible my W would see it that way as well. I guess the only thing I can do about that is be the best Dad I can possibly be, just as I have been, and over time she may see that I'm doing what I am for them, not for her.

You do the math...

consistent changes + sufficient TIME = change she can believe in.

It really is the only way to "prove" it. I think your issue is clearly the TIME element. So work on it.

It's not "easy" ---- but it's not complicated. Not a lot of "thinking out" this is needed. Just stay the course and add a whole lot of TIME to it. Okay?


Every single time you asked your w for a "chance to talk", she said no or pulled away more. Every time you calmly and politely SEEMED TO DETACH, she noticed and some of those times, she came to you... My W and I were to sit down together tonight for dinner but she's saying she doesn't have time as she's travelling with our kids on a short holiday she has planned with them and will be driving on unfamiliar roads. I think I believe her reasons for not wanting to sit down but she may also sense my desire to talk and reconnect more.

Agreed. This highlights the need for her and you to spend more time RELAXED --and that only happens when YOU back off, and ask her for nothing more!

Drink the STFU Juice (that Wonka sent) and sit in the "No R Talk" chair and just rock back and forth in it...do NOT DO anything and do NOT bring up the R anytime soon.

Wow, how can I stress that more?? DO NOT PUSH FOR MORE!!



Did your w or kids attend any funerals or memorials? Did your w reach out to your mom at all, and regardless of the answer, how do you feel about your w's role DURING the illness/passing? Also, I am a L and I know the probate work is taxing (not literally, but you know what i mean) and tedious and oddly stressful. Do you have siblings? God I hope so

I asked my W to attend the funeral and also reached out to her for support.

She refused to do either which hurt me although I can understand. She did give me a sympathy card and seemed to genuinely be concerned for me. I do have siblings, some have been supportive and others not at all. The estate is proving to be much more complicated than it should have been due to one sibling in particular which is unfortunate to say the least. Through my whole situation I'm learning just how strong I can be.


That last part (the difficult sibling) sure stinks. I do wish ALL parents would take the time to write out ONE PAGE of instructions that clears up any potential snafus (and shuts up the potential problem child)...but hang in there, it DOES pass.

I think your w made it clear she is NOT at all interested in more now.

That refusal of hers, was probably b/c you asked for too much (& you did, b/c we all worry about what our spouses want from us at times like this, when we feel more vulnerable or feel pity for the other).

You probably fit both criteria then, and she may have been wise to back away so you would keep your expectations low. (Remember that? You kind of forget it a lot).

Asking her for more support, at THIS time (when you are sad and reaching out and maybe acting like an emotionally drowning man) likely scared the heck out of her.

Do you see why? Do you see why going in for more, now, is such a bad idea? I mean, other than her choosing to be rude to you,

I think she's made it as clear as she can that she is ONLY interested in being in the same room as you and your children, for now, and MAYBE seeing how that goes for awhile. Not two weeks, but a few or several months...and build on that. Let her learn that she CAN TRUST that being around you is not an "Obligation to do more" for you...

To ME, the best case scenario is that she's really reluctant to reconcile b/c she detests the way the former marriage was, is terrified of falling back into old patterns in which her needs are suppressed, and you take over.

For you to want to go in for more now, after she refused to attend the funeral AND said "no thanks" to giving you more support, probably looks like you are NOT listening to her and you are NOT taking in some big clues. It MAY make it more likely in her eyes, that it was a sham and that your "real agenda" is simply to get her back...

She's being clear with you, if you ask me. She's NOT ready for more right now. Period.

Is that clearer to you now?



It seems that my W has noticed my changes. I'm in great shape, the best I've been in a very long time. I feel good, look good and am adjusting to my new life. The problem is that since she noticed these changes and started to open up a tiny bit I seem to need to rush in and want more. Bad idea, I agree.



Let her (and YOU) enjoy the new you without fearing it means she "has to do/give" more.

You are not in a position to worry about her "cake eating" yet. I think filing for the kids has cured that (unless you un-do that by making her think it's not about them).
And you know what? If you let her cake walk for a month or two,

THEN STOP. NOT AS MUCH AS damage comes from that as what happens when you pounce in to get more from her. That could set you back a lot more.



Patience, patience, patience. Stick with what has worked, avoid what hasn't. Get over my insecurity and be confident that my W could actually WANT me again.

Thanks again 25yearsmlc!

YES!! PATIENCE.....

I really think if she comes to believe you are a great father, that you really DO make them your priority, that they are crazy about you, THAT is a lot for her to gloss over.

Especially if she sees you NOT trying to take over and NOT getting all jealous (another word for insecure!!) then she'll know you may really have changed.

A true 180 for you would be NOT CARING and NOT OBSESSING about this OM.

Of course she'll date. Who cares? NOT YOU! (You know he's no match for you!)

Who says he's a better catch? NO ONE HERE. Plus, As long as she sees you contrasting the negative images she had of you, with new positive images and new "data" that says you are NOT "that jerk" anymore

then you will be the better choice. And she will notice and then, IF IF IF she can put her dukes down and lower her walls, she will tell you. There will NOT be a lot of guess work.

And if by some odd chance, he really is better suited for her than you, so be it. Accept that and move on....it would also mean there is someone better suited for YOU as well.

But knowing that is at least a year away from now---

so you need to just keep showing up, doing your thing, MORE GAL (Seriously buddy, I'll send my list your way) STFU and learning to really like who you are becoming...

With a PMA and NOT POUNCING ON HER FOR MORE. Do not show her your neediness and do NOT fear or assume she'll think "oh he is not interested in me if he is not acting needy."

that's a lie we say to ourselves to justify asking for more AGAIN...to NOT be patient!

Don't do that game. We'll call you on it!

Make sense?