Mindsink - Part 2

[mindsin]

So what 180s and other approaches and techniques have you tried for long enough to monitor, and know they failed?

I didn't see ANY.

To be honest, I've been looking at various different approaches (including DB) to deal with my situation from day 1. I've been torn by extremes (one site recommends to "blow up" the affair at her workplace, to all her family, etc. in an effort to "shock" her into getting out of her fog). It wasn't until the middle of last week that I became 100% committed to DB. Wednesday, July 30, to be exact.

There was only one 180 that I did consistently since day 1 -- Helping out around the house (chores, etc) in an effort to give her more free time to spend with the kids, herself, and yes, even the OM.

Her reactions -- Some positive, some negative.

The negative comes as a result of mistakes I've made (arguing, passive-aggressive words/behavior, controlling, etc.). During one argument, she said, "don't think I'm going to come back to you just because you're doing a bunch of chores now".

Example of positive -- I asked if she could watch the kids for a whole day so I could spend a day with my friends. She responds, "Yes. You need a break and deserve some leisure time with your friends."

Since my commitment to DB, I've added the following techniques/approaches:

1. Drastically reduced the amount of communication I initiate (phone calls, texts, e-mails).
2. Completely eliminated all talk of the OM/OMW.
3. Completely eliminated all talk of our relationship/marriage.
4. Shown little to no interest in her whereabouts or her life outside of me or the kids (e.g. Asked nothing about her visit to her cousin or friend over the weekend).
5. Never showed anger, despair, or hurt in front of her.
6. Approached conflicts/disagreements with a very "solution-oriented" approach. Example: When she got fed up the other night because she couldn't get her daughter to sleep (the night when the OM returned from a 5 day out of state trip, she was very anxious to go see him and spend the night in his hotel room). She basically "dumped" our daughter on me and left the house. I didn't criticize her. I said nothing. The very next night, I told her that I was going to try a different approach to get our daughter to sleep by herself. I simply took action, without blaming or criticizing.

So you are saying YOU don't need to try the other approaches b/c of HER affair...how convenient for you to get to skip steps the rest of us had to slog thru...

See, it doesn't really matter to ME that you found a sentence or two that MAY support your strategy, (but I'd sure like to see the context of that remark)

b/c I just read the whole section on LRT, and it did not even mention affairs making a difference.

So I doubt that having an affair "mandates" skipping the steps of DBing and going right to LRT.

I could be wrong of course. But I think there is always an argument FOR trying what works for everyone else, and NOT insisting that your situation is so unusual that the rules don't apply to YOU.

I'm slogging through it as we speak. It's only been a week. Btw, I don't think the LRT is a shortcut anyways. That's not how I read it at least. Also, please refer to page 215 in DR.

"In Chapter 6, I wrote about the last-resort technique. Re-read that section (page 124), because everything I wrote there applies here as well."

That ^ to me, tells me that in a situation where your spouse won't end the affair, use the LRT.

The only unusual thing about your situation is your personal history of infidelity AND how hypocritically you have approached your wife's single affair.

I would love to see some progress in that area, b/c otherwise I don't hold out much hope that you will turn this around.

I'm not sure what you define as "progress". I've already expressed remorse for my infidelity. I'm dealing with my wife's single affair because that is the current situation we're in. Am I supposed to simply ignore the fact that she is actively cheating on me right now? I'm approaching it no differently than anyone else whose wife has betrayed him. If you want to tag me as "hypocritical" due to my past, then fine. But I'm not the one who is engaging in infidelity right now.

I respect your wisdom and advice, but we clearly don't see eye to eye with regard to infidelity. Maybe it's because you're speaking from a woman's PoV and can see things from my wife's perspective in a way that I'll never be able to. I don't know. But it seems to me that you think two wrongs make a right. I disagree wholeheartedly.