Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

I haven't been around for a month, I can't believe how fast time goes by. I figure it's time to check in and update with a new thread. Again, thank you everyone for your support and encouragement through this journey.

It's been a year since bd. My S and I have been back home for almost 3 months now. Since being home, H and I have been forced to face our situation and have been proceeding with 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Overall, I feel settled and more in control of my reactions and level of patience. The best advice I have been given to get through this - let him go.

H still sleeps in spare room
H gives no compliments or affection of any kind

However, there have been changes for the better:

Lots and lots of talking about his work day and job
If I compliment any clothes, he wears them constantly. In fact he had to throw out a pair of shorts that I loved on him, they were just so him. So he went and bought a new pair
He is working on connecting with S
He comes home after work every day
Party nights are way down. The last arrival at 3:30 a.m. After being out with mystery friends Had me waiting up for him. I laid down a boundary that whether he likes it or not, he is married, that this is our home, and if he continues to disrespect me and our home that he should leave. He agreed his behavior has been in appropriate, so we will see how that goes.
H has expressed an interest in seeing our old friends
H asked me out to dinner for my bday and we had a nice time with S
H is suggesting projects in our home including buying furniture
H asked I listen to a song. It was about being lost and finding your way back. H has always been in tune to songs for their meaning
H suggested taking a day off work to spend with S and I while we are on vacation

My changes:

I have fully backed off. "Let the nonsense go" is my mantra. It actually feels good, I have learned how to work on controlling my anxiety from a great book my therapist recommended. I continue therapy, but talk about things less and less with family and friends. It seems to help my anxiety to not talk about things, but I do let people know things are going well.
I have started some gardening projects at home
I am back to enjoying making delicious dinners and nesting in my home, with no resentments
I have no expectations and continue to keep my guard up
I surround myself with good friends who love me
I focus on S and spending quality time with him
I have stopped snooping. However I did put a retainer down on a PI. I have had it set up for a month but have not been able to bring myself to make that call to have him followed. I'm not sure if I ever will. My only reason for the PI was to find out who the mystery friends are, and if an OW is part of it, but with all the positive changes in his behavior, my suspicions are fading. I will let this one play out a little longer for now.
I have fully accepted that I have no control of H or our situation

So overall, I feel good about my changes in myself. I still have work to do but I feel I am on the right path and really getting a hang on this MLC behavior and how to keep harmony in our home.

I think H still has quite a ways to go. I am not sure if he has really looked at himself and the part he has played in this. The reason I say that is because in every R discussion, he reminds me that he feels this way because of so many years of neglect from me. But he doesn't seem to care WHY I felt that way or what brought on my withdrawal. I don't see us being able to move on without BOTH of us realizing our mistakes. I worry that he is sweeping things under the rug and slowly moving forward again, but I really feel he needs to keep working on himself first. I can't believe I am saying that, for a year all I have wanted is our life back. And we seem to be heading that way. But if he doesn't realize and work on his part in this, things will go right back to the way they were. And I already know that life doesn't work for us. Not sure what I can do, if anything, about that