After this morning, I'm obsessed with the idea of trying to check his email to see if his online friend was something more. I guess it's about feeling like I have control or like I could know what was actually going on. I know it's not a good idea and I don't know what it would change now, but the urge is incredibly strong.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I have constant urges to snoop. But it only hurts myself. I will either find nothing or something bad that I cannot un-see. I have realized that if there is actually some good news or something of value they will let me know - otherwise assume nothing. Trying to follow my own advice.
Now I feel like the black pot kettle caller. :|
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
It wouldn't change anything. I tend to think that knowing would make me feel better, but it likely wouldn't. I suspect that I'm trying to make sense out of a situation that has no sense to it, which is a hard, hard thing.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Looks like I'm going to be doing a lot of journaling today.
I can see H. is online, but I won't be contacting him, not even to mention a few of the things he's left behind. If he wants them, he can get in touch with me.
Being in the apartment is hard. It feels empty, and there are reminders of him absolutely everywhere. Stupid things, too. his salad dressing. A stray sock. Pillows. A pack of q-tips. Every time I see something like that, I feel like someone's punched me.
I feel like I should move things for a fresh perspective, and so I'm no longer sleeping in the living room. But I'm resistant to it, too. It feels like if I left things the way they are, everything will magically be okay.
He left behind a little 3D printed scan of me. That one smarted.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Being in the apartment is hard. It feels empty, and there are reminders of him absolutely everywhere. Stupid things, too. his salad dressing. A stray sock. Pillows. A pack of q-tips.
That's what trash bags are for.
Sorry, I'm listening to my "good riddance" playlist and feeling a little feisty. I do feel for you (((hugs))). And remind me I said that later when I am having the same feelings.
So far... Feel a Whole Lot Better by Tom Petty Good Riddance by Green Day Hit the Road Jack by Ray Charles The Sign by Ace of Base Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson Roll with the Changes by REO Speedwagon So What by Pink Walk Away by Kelly Clarkson These Boots are Made for Walkin' by Nancy Sinatra Gives you Hell by The All-American Rejects Goodbye to You by Scandal Over You by Daughtry Picture to Burn by Taylor Swift
Thanks for the playlist - I'm going to give that a try.
I've reclaimed the bedroom for my own. No more sleeping on a futon in the living room. Not sure how I feel about that right now since it's become so normal, but I'm sure it will feel better in time.
Up next: a run around the apartment with a garbage bag.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
It's been an up and down afternoon, but a bit more up than I would have expected.
I've largely reclaimed the bedroom and removed a bunch of pretty gross bedding and other stuff, which helped me focus on the anger rather than the sadness. I've played music, danced around a bit, and generally tried to relax. Dinner's cooking now, and I've pulled out some vegetarian cookbooks to find some new recipes to try.
On top of that, I got some good news about some funding opportunities that I applied for at work. This will likely be a boon for my career, and I'm pleased. The news made me feel more confident and like my life is a bit better already, which was really helpful today. It was hard not telling H., but I called some friends and my parents.
Right now, I'm considering whether I should be posting some stuff - like the funding news - on Facebook. I'm not much of a Facebook user, but I'd like to be more involved, I think, and it would have the added benefit of showing H. that my life is going well and things are getting done without him.
