Stimulus-Response: The Experiment Continues

[GoatGal]

Wonka,
That's EXACTLY what I'm talking about.
Thank you!!!



I can just mention some small things that might take an hour or so, when "he has the time".
With absolutely NO pressure on when/how, no "talking about stuff" other than the work at hand.
It really helps him feel closer to me.

He has said over the years that he wished I'd worked on things with him more.
Ummmm... hello??? Goat Gal?????
Men bond by doing things together.
(I'm like one of the guys in every way except one!)
We used to work on cars together, bikes together, construction/destruction/remodeling...

THAT IS ONE THING THAT SETS ME APART FROM THE MAJORITY OF WOMEN HE WILL MEET.
IT IS MY "ACE IN THE HOLE"!!!
I am a great co-worker, know my way around a power tool, goat hoof, guitar amplifier and sound board, and a building code manual.

I can get down and get it done, and still clean up great, making it to the ball on time with enough spray tan to cover those boo-boos.
I'm not afraid of getting dirty.
I'm not afraid of much at all.
I'm like a dude---BUT BETTER!

But in recent years, this "doing things together" fell by the wayside, and it was our #1 way of connecting. He has said so.
He says he wasn't happy with ME, but I saw him stop doing all the things he used to enjoy.
No more tinkering with the cars, bikes....
The remodel took on a heinous life of its own and we found ourselves slaving away separately on different projects, tired and irritable, bleeding money...

It wasn't FUN anymore. It was survival.

I hated it too. I just didn't try and run away.

OK. Maybe I did to some degree, but it was into my own head.
That's honest.
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To his credit, he does EVERYTHING I ask of him in terms of helping out.

Sometimes I don't even have to ask; he sees my to-do list and just DOES IT.
I think that says something...

I have been looking for him to express things the way I WOULD LIKE.
Well, he'd have to have a personality transplant for that to happen right now.
(I mean--a SECOND personality transplant!)

For example: The other day he was working on the water filters and I said:
"Wow. You read my mind. How did you know I was going to ask you about that?"

And he answered, "I saw that little note by the fridge and thought I'd just get it done."

Seems to me I should be appreciating this and opening up instead of backing off more.

I believe he feels like crap for what he did, that he feels awful internally.
This is his only avenue right now to re-connect with me.
I am sure of that.
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TRANSPARENCY:

When he is not going to be here, he's always given me a legit, verifiable work reason.
Unless I've been vague about my doings, in which case I get the same "Won't be there" stuff.
Makes sense. If I don't tell him, why should he have to tell me?

He stopped telling ME when I stopped telling HIM about what I was up to, and let him stew in his own juice.
This looked like I had something I wanted to "hide" and I actually didn't.
I have always been an open book and I don't want to change that.
I HAVE nothing to hide.
(((((Except YOU GUYS!!!)))))

So, I don't have a problem with letting him know where I am and who I'm with.
He is the only one who would know if something happened to me.
I'm not in contact with anyone else regularly for them to notice before the dogs ate my squishy parts...

And I'm not doing anything I'm ashamed of or embarrassed about, or need to hide from him.
I always hated sneakiness from him, so why should I all of a sudden become secretive?
It's not me, and it's not the type of R I want.

I don't feel I have to prove that I can have a life.
He knows full well that I have one and always will, with him or without him.
Isn't it enough that I'm clearly enjoying myself and my friends, getting on with my life, not clinging to him, not trying to "help" him or "hold" him?

Seems to me I should stay true to who I am and my core values.
Those include being up front and honest, accountable and transparent.
It's me SETTING THE EXAMPLE FOR THE BEHAVIOR I WANT FROM HIM.
Without ASKING or DEMANDING anything from him, just leading by example and reinforcing him when he does the same.

Lately I feel like I've been deliberately trying to be vague and mysterious, when I don't need to be.
I've always done a lot on my own, without him. This isn't even a GAL/180 for me.

I think keeping pertinent info from him is something I don't like when he does it to me...ergo... I'm not doing that anymore.

I don't feel I need to give all the details or a blow-by-blow, but common courtesy dictates that I should inform him of the basics because we do have shared responsibilities.
It's what I want from him, so I must be able to offer it in return.
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So if I'm going to be the lighthouse, well, the light has to be on and showing the safe passage home, doesn't it?
If I cover my light with a dark shroud of detachment, how is he going to know it's still shining?

I know I spend a lot of time on here trashing H, and that's a lot better than trashing him to his face or to someone else in real life.

But he has done lots of GOOD THINGS that have gone unrecognized while I have been busy "detaching" and GALing and whatnot.

I stopped paying attention to what was happening with him, and now I need to make some small course corrections.

If I give him my whereabouts and check in, he does the same.
If I reassure him, he does the same.
If I'm sweet and nice and available, he is the same.
If I initiate simple open-ended, no expectation convos, he does the same.


And just the opposite is true.
Now, granted, his "same" comes with a HUGE grain of MLC salt, but it's there, nonetheless.
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But if he doesn't step over my boundary line, is respectful and as honest (as I can determine without snooping) why shouldn't I be holding out that peanut?

A peanut is not a "Get Out of Jail Free" pass.

It's just a reminder that HOME IS WHERE PEANUTS COME FROM.

---------------------------------

Test #1:

I initiated contact via text this morning with a pic of the tree guys working, saying:
"Guess who woke us up this morning? :)"

He texts back quickly: 'Cool!"

This is followed by another text in which he actually jokes: "Anybody DIE yet??"

Me: "Hahah. Funny you should ask. Maybe give me a call when you get a free minute!"

He called IMMEDIATELY and we chatted about the tree mess... he was actually CHUCKLING. It was a very upbeat convo in which he shared a few things about being stuck on a boring conference call, etc.

This is already a huge difference.
We haven't had a chatty phone call or a chuckle in weeks.
(Of course, when I said it was better that the tree guys quit working on the rotten trees before one of them got killed, he said "Well, I don't know if I agree with THAT!" (WTF???)

I said, "Really? You'd rather one of them got killed than a branch fell on the house?" (/i]
(Sorry, it just came out of my mouth.)
He said something like: "[i]Well, I don't know. I guess not really."

And that's the weird part.

My old H would have NEVER said something like that. EVER.
That's the freaky part.
How he's still so cold and uncaring on some level. SO ANGRY.

Nasty to people, says mean things about people, even his landlady/friend/roommate/employee who has housed him for free on and off for almost a year. He cuts her down regularly.

I'm getting off on a tangent again... what else is new?

---GGG

Who really has got some work to do and is procrastinating---BIG TIME!!!!