Stimulus-Response: The Experiment Continues

[GoatGal]

Wonka,

That's on my radar.

But right now I think it's too much "togetherness". He's even said he prefers riding alone right now.

All I'm talking about is asking for help/guidance with a project and working together on it. That way it has a "purpose" and it's not about hanging out together.
Also, I'm a good self-starter, and the fact is that I pick things up quickly if I'm interested, and do fine on my own.
(Computers and Math are not on my list of "interests" so.....:) )

Which has sort of made him redundant.
OW made him feel like he was on top of the world.
I think me being who I am makes him feel inferior, when he's not. That's in his mind, but I see it.

Somebody said we should be more like the OW.
Well, I don't know about that, but a BIG 180 for ME would be to step back and let him take the lead, to direct things, to teach ME.
I've always been the one teaching HIM new things because I'm more curious and get involved in more activities.

For example: He really liked when we worked on my car together. That was the first time since BD that we laughed and "hung out". It was also the LAST TIME since I stepped up the detaching.

He showed me how to change the oil, handed me tools, allowed me to do it for myself, but gave me constant support, and since he knows all that stuff, he was teaching me. Laughed at me while I crawled around in the dirt, laughed at himself.
I haven't seen him laugh around me since that day.
And he looked at me a LOT, made more eye contact---this is HIS COMFORT ZONE.
The fact that I was in cutoffs and a tank top didn't hurt either.
It was the BEST day we've had in over a year.

That was back before Memorial Day and things have gone done hill since then.

Which is why I feel we need to do more things like this.
Not all the time, but on occasion, and see how it goes.

Also--when he fixed my bike, I hadn't asked him to do that.
He did it because he wanted to, he's good at it. It's how he's always shown his love.

I thanked him and validated him over this, but then I went right back to being dark and pulling way back.

So what was I telling him by retreating from him?
That I liked that he fixed my bike, but I really didn't want to see or talk to him?

That's how I would have taken it. That I was being "used" but not valued.

He's told me that's how he's felt in the past. Only valued as a paycheck, and there is some truth to that.
I'd given up on him spending time with me and doing things together because he'd made it clear he was "too busy.."...

So the last thing I want him to feel now is that's all he's good for. Just a paycheck and a handyman.

Well, I can buy those things.
It's the stuff I can't buy that I value in him and want from him.

---GGG