Hi Shining, Thank you for your well thought out post! To answer some of your questions...my D19 has limited choices because of decisions that were made or I agreed to with my W (wish I hadn't now but hindsight is 20/20). When my D19 was 16-17 she was acting out. Much of it was due to the fact that her mom was absent for so long from her life due to depression/anxiety issues and then because she was in MLC and wasn't thinking of anyone but herself. My W talked me into not allowing her to drive as a means of control, to keep her from blowing off school, getting into trouble, etc. The summer before her sr year she and I found a way to get along and work through our problems. When her mom asked for a D, I stopped letting her influence how I dealt with my D and as a result she really changed. She ended up grad. with a 3.7 GPA and is a different person. But she was left with not being able to drive and no way to get a job or go to school. The plan was for W and I to get her a car so she could work and go to school while living at home. Now that can't happen as there's no money. Her mother told her if she lived with her she could walk to work but she is way too far from her school and there just aren't any close enough. Add to that she doesn't want to live with mom acting the way she is. She was wanting to live with me but my finances are much worse than my W's and she wouldn't even have a way to get to work. (we live in country and no buses even!). She would have to do nothing and put her life on total hold. Her BF lives in the city and she can get both a job AND go to school. She knows that living together may not be good for her R with him but I can't blame her for doing it! Just another bad thing that is coming from my W's need to find her joy!
My D14 was staying with my MIL and saw her crying while on the phone with W 3 nights out of the 4 she was there. Really broke my heart to hear her talk about it.
You are right about my general attitude and the way I'm looking at things right now. I know I will need to move towards forgiveness and away from resentment. It just seems every time I start to get closer, my W finds some new way to set me back. She just keeps bombing me with her craziness and no matter what I do or say she just does whatever she wants and usually that hurts me or my d's in some way. There is a breaking point when someone is under stress for as long as I have been. From the stress of trying to keep my M alive (with no help from my W) to the stress of having that effort fail and the way my W has gone about ending it. Every time we have come to an agreement on something she has "changed her mind" after talking to her father and done the opposite. We have had hard, emotional talks about what is best for the kids and us and I feel like maybe we can do this and then a week later my W will just say she changed her mind about all we agreed to and just do what her dad says she should, usually something that means I lose in some way.
Yes, there are good things under all this. I'm much closer to my D19 for one. There are more. In the end I will do all in my power to help my D14 get through this and she will. Just right now while the bombing from my W just won't stop, I am finding it very hard to just forgive, to see the good as the bad is just so bad right now.
Thanks Shining and I do think you are right about all you talked about. It's just finding that path to forgiveness while the woods are burning all around me is hard at the moment.
