Stimulus-Response: The Experiment Continues

[GoatGal]

Thanks guys!

I'm not sure how I came across so I need to clarify:

I am not trying to fix him.

I am not willing to take him back "as is".

I do not need him to be happy with myself and my life.

I am happy now, even in the midst of this.

I am not willing to settle for a "less than" M.

It would have to be better or nothing at all.
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The things I said above were part of our history, in order to explain why I think a more open and friendly, supportive approach with him would be best.
He is tentative, fearful, and passive.

Like our friend the squirrel, just me being there is not enough incentive for him to come closer.
I'm a SCARY PERSON. I've been ANGRY and HURTFUL.
I've told him that I hate him, that he repulses me.. among other choice things.

I've got to have a peanut in my open palm, and he has to know it's there FOR HIM (limited time only).
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And---

ABSOLUTELY HE WOULD HAVE TO DO THE WORK!!!
And it would have to be HIS IDEA to do it.
Not a chance of anything else.

So don't worry your DBing heads about that.


I am not excusing his behavior, just explaining it.
I would not excuse it in the future, either.
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All I'm saying is that giving him the impression I am DONE with him is counter-productive.
It's one of his core issues--being abandoned by people who are supposed to care for you.
So you leave them BEFORE THEY CAN HURT YOU.

That's what all this looks like to me now, since some of the scales have fallen from my eyes.
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To be clear:

I have no intentions of stopping my DBing strategy and everything that goes with it,
WITH THE EXCEPTION of opening the lines of communication a little bit more from my end and increasing our positive interactions by allowing him to do more for me and working together on projects.

All these are things he likes, bonding things for us, they are also ALL things which I have stopped allowing.

He is not actively cheating on me, nor doing anything that is a deal breaker.
(Sure, he's acting like a teenager in fantasy land, but for the most part, he's been pretty respectful except for a few snippy texts/exchanges and the silent treatment.)

Seems to me I should be focusing on the GOOD that he's doing, and continuing to build on THAT rather than punishing him for not being all fixed and ready to re-commit to me.
I think he needs some reason to believe that getting help would be "worth it".

Including as some of my 180's:

1. Allowing him to do things for me, which helps him to feel good around me.
By allowing him to do what he's good at and help me too, aren't I validating his worth as a husband and a man?

I think that's where I might have gone wrong prior to BD. And he has said he didn't feel appreciated.

Just "being around me" is not enough when being around me means he feels guilty and less-than....
And no, I'm not trying to "fix" him here either, just giving him more opportunities to have positive interactions.
And positive for him--and me---is allowing him to do things which make him feel good too. That's all.

It's a 180 for me to be in contact.
Prior to BD I didn't like talking on the phone or communicating electronically.
He DID. He used to call me all the time and I rarely answered... (Yep.)
I'm not talking about calling him and texting him frequently.
Just that SOME TIMES I might initiate something, as opposed to dead silence when he doesn't initiate.
That's all.


3. And also, letting him know that I am not looking for another R with another man AT THIS TIME.
I think would help calm things down right now.
I have the distinct impression that he thinks I'm "dating" and I'm NOT.
Not that I won't after D, but that right now I'm not.
I honestly think he doesn't believe he can compete for a whole bunch of reasons.
I don't think he needs to get the idea that he has competition right now.
He doesn't! So it would just be the truth.


Guys--I have to go with my gut here.
I'm not talking about changing my DBing much at all, just tailoring it to my own sitch in small ways.

Looking back at my log book from a few months ago, we were much better off. I was doing the things I described above.
Once I stopped, things have gone downhill fairly consistently, IMHO.

I have stepped back, and am giving him tremendous space.
I am NOT pursuing or giving him a pass.

All I'm talking about is dropping a few crumbs of hope for him to find while he's lost out there in the MLC woods.

Surely that can't be a bad thing, to remind him that there is something good baking back in the cottage. (Even if really HIM who needs to hop into that oven and finish baking himself!)

---GGG