Stimulus-Response: The Experiment Continues

[LoisB]

GGG,

I think what you wrote here is really insightful. And, I think most of us on these boards could have written the same thing. Difficulties with intimacy/emotional attachment seem to be a common thread. I know that, in our case, the stronger the emotional attachment, the harder it was for H...I couldn't see it then...but, I can now.

I would suggest keeping this piece of writing available when you have doubts about your value and your role in all of this. You seem to have nailed it down here. Allow yourself to validate yourself in the darkest times.

You seem to have a clear picture of who this man is. Hold onto that.

I knew he had intimacy/attachment issues, and that's pretty much where they played out.
It wasn't all terrible, there was some good stuff as well, tenderness, consideration, caring...he just had trouble performing when too many emotions were present, so---cut out the emotion and problem solved, right?
That seemed to be his thinking.

Which is not so great for the other partner and it just got intolerable over time, especially since the porn corrupted any sense of even needing an emotional connection.

Cue OW---who he liked to believe was a great romance, but in fact, was someone he used because she was willing to do things "his way" with no real emotional connection.
It was a fantasy.
And he really liked it that way, I'm gathering.

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He himself is a victim.
He sweeps this under the rug if you ask him about it, stating no--he's just strong, doesn't need anybody.
But it's not true. He's more needy than most but can't admit to this vulnerability.


This may play into why he has been so angry at me; why he has even said that he IS the victim more than once.
(Really projecting, as if I were his mother and had treated him terribly. I didn't understand this at the time, but I'm starting to get it.)
He had a terrible childhood, a difficult adolescence, it's amazing he survived.
But underneath all of this is a really good man. I still believe that. I wouldn't have stayed with him otherwise, and I wouldn't be so torn up now.
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I still see that man from time to time, buried underneath a black cloak of "Yes. You got it. I'm a A88hole. Deal with it."

But he is very afraid.
Afraid of feeling "bad" feelings, of being vulnerable...he needs to soothe and distract himself.
He's always been this way to some extent, but the last few years I guess it got so much worse.
He's had anxiety attacks, doesn't want to get on a plane anymore, freaks out on buses, with too many people.

That has nothing to do with me and I've seen it escalate.
Fears and phobias. Which he would never get treated.
He just---AVOIDED ALL THOSE THINGS.
Instead of dealing with things that made him uncomfortable, he just made sure he didn't encounter them.
That seemed to be the life plan.
And now I'm one of the things that makes him uncomfortable. He won't examine it or try and fix it.
Avoiding it is easier, I guess.

He can't seem to see, or won't see that this is not going to get any better.
Not with living elsewhere or with a new partner.

Maybe the fear of finally dealing with stuff is too great to even consider. I don't know and he won't talk about it.

He has said that he is worried that he "can't be fixed". There is a lot of anxiety there for him.