Saving my family - Part 13

[25yearsmlc]

Wow, believe it or not, I have now read your ENTIRE thread....

In YOUR Situation I would NOT bring up the R with your w. She is letting you know with her actions, that she "can" be around you. She is also "Seeing" another man and you don't know what that means.

I happen to think SOME women take their h's for granted until IF & WHEN they fear losing their h's for good.

In fact, I know SOME women do that and for SOME women, you being a bit mysterious about your whereabouts would probably help. I also know you pursued the HECK out of your w til she literally could not stand talking to you on the phone, at all, and would not allow you to speak to your children without "supervision" and she had you arrested---So that she could take the kids to live hours away from you, and only when forced, did she relent and "allow" you to have them more.

I also question the divorce and desire to avoid attorneys, which seems to come more from her than you. Meaning, for a woman who only makes a 1/10 of your salary, usually it's the one making MORE money who wants to avoid legal expenses....but I don't know her financial situation or what her parents are contributing...


I ASSUME (but I don't "know") that she saw/sees you as a bully, or she lied the whole time about you, but my gut says she probably did have that perception. She probably knowingly exaggerated but figured "the ends justify the means", etc.

IN SUM,

Pushing for more, now, seems like a great way to backslide.

No offense but if you look at MY time line below, I hope you'll understand why I see your belief that "10 months is so long", and your compulsion to push for more NOW, means your patience level is still juvenile. Since having more patience is a 180 for you, I suggest you work on that a whole lot more.

Besides, the biggest turn on for HER is probably the fact that you moved and spent so much energy on getting to see the kids. IF you start in now pushing for any type of recon, it'll look like it was all tactical to get her back.

And to tell you the truth, that thought has crossed my mind a few times already. I mean, you barely have had good access with your kids for what, 2 months, and NOW you think you should move in for more??

Is it because there might be competition? Or you just HAVE to act now? There is a strong streak of impulsiveness in your behavior, have you discussed that with your IC?

Sandi's rules say to never initiate a discussion about the relationship. Does that hold true forever? There are things I'd like to talk to her about, mainly about how we could start a new life together with our kids. Should I go there?

I have already touched on Sandi's "rules" but would simply say YOUR situation is a fragile one that has been extremely Unfriendly until quite recently.

IF I were you, I'd let all parties get used to the IDEA that you could be friends down the road...and in TIME, (at least -- AT LEAST --AT LEAST--- 90 days --but preferably a lot longer),

before I'd explore more or do any R talk with your w. Really.

There are no "secret" ways to guarantee that your w will come back to you. But we sure do know a lot of ways for you to push her away.

Rushing in for more, could show the impulsive side of you again, and a lack of restraint and impatience,

and worse, possibly an agenda about the kids (like it wasn't b/c you are a great dad that you fought for them, but b/c you wanted your wife back, that you moved there and are Pretending to care about the kids...)
and since what you are doing thus far, LATELY has been working, I'd stick to Life rule 101,
"do what works and do not do what does not work".

Every single time you asked your w for a "chance to talk", she said no or pulled away more. Every time you calmly and politely SEEMED TO DETACH, she noticed and some of those times, she came to you...

NO woman is untouched by the loving interaction of her children with their father. For many women, a man who is a "good father" is enough to stay married, just for that. And a man who is also a "Good provider" is a great catch to many women with kids.

No OM can compete with THAT. When my h and I were sep, I saw that he dated. I also dated but not that he knew so there was no "tit for tat". He was 3000 miles away for a long time and I was rusty at dating and lonely and curious about what was out there.

Dating OMs helped me in 2 ways. On one hand, it helped my ego to see that men were interested in me and that some of them were very good guys who'd make good companions.

Secondly, even those good guys also reminded me of why I had chosen my h in the first place b/c we were really pretty well suited for each other. My h has taken good care of himself and is in better shape than any man our age that I Know, and my h is smart and well read, and gets my sense of humor.

Those^^ traits made me miss h MORE, not less. And that's when I had good dates, the dates that were hilariously bad, made me miss him a lot too....

We reconciled after I came to believe the marriage had "only a 10% chance of success", and that h would be gone but that I'd be happy, either way.

That belief, that I'd be happy anyhow, sank in and eventually began to seep out of me and radiate from within. I started thinking h was losing more than me (but not in a competitive way; more like 'gee, h's r's with the kids will never be the same but mine is fine and I'm busy GAL and doing things I neglected doing for too long."

I was beginning to have FUN and, it showed.

I also have 2 family members who divorced, and a few years later, remarried their former spouses so yes it does happen.

I suggest you REALLY GAL b/c except for your musical interests, it sounds as if your activities are all things you did before...any NEW hobbies or NEW friends who are not in your typical comfort zone? Expanding your comfort zone might be the fastest way to grow, personally.

Also re your mom's death...my sincere condolences. I think the death of a parent is often under rated as a life ordeal. Don't be surprised if your grief is pushing you towards your wife faster than you might otherwise feel is safe.

Did your w or kids attend any funerals or memorials? Did your w reach out to your mom at all, and regardless of the answer, how do you feel about your w's role DURING the illness/passing? Also, I am a L and I know the probate work is taxing (not literally, but you know what i mean) and tedious and oddly stressful. Do you have siblings? God I hope so.

When your mom was facing death, Were you able to distance yourself from "needing" your w, or was she a "pillar of support" you were able to lean on, or were you able to carry on totally separately?

Be mindful that grief comes in many forms.

We can do or FEEL things, or think we do, that are actually related more to our pain and loneliness for our "biggest fan in the bleachers", than desire for the previous m.
Grief can mask itself as many other things...

IF you were to reconcile,

can you tell us 3 SPECIFIC things or behaviors you would do differently than before?

Finally, since you KNOW rushing this could easily ruin your chances for anything lasting or good to happen, can you tell us ONE advantage to going too fast?

B/C waiting another 90 days is not going to make her "bored" of you or think "Scorp must be done"....

NOR will she choose to marry some OM "Because" you went from not even speaking on the phone, to wanting to spend more time together "as a family", in 65 days of bi-weekly contact.

In the grand scheme of things, if you could detach for 2 minutes, you'd see that you are about to do something NOT smart.

And she has clued you in a few times already. Respect her wishes and her boundaries and don't force her to have to blurt out a rude comment b/c you won't take a hint.

What's wrong with letting HER REACH OUT first? What's wrong with letting HER take the temperature of the R?

I say nothing cools ardor and passion and TRUST, faster ----

than a person who keeps taking the temperature of an evolving, fragile relationship. That's my .05