MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART III

[ItHurts]

No not really Thorton...she just has zero self-esteem...she hates herself really. This is why I've always said in my posts that a lot of her issues that led to our divorce aren't problems exclusive to our marriage. It's like she is torturing herself wanting to come back, but because she flip-flops she doesn't want to hurt me and be with me unless she knows she is 100% sure. I assume you read all of her e-mails to me on the previous page when you refer to "her words" in your post? Definitely, I fell for every word and to be honest, I believe she was telling the truth...at the moment however. That's what I think the problem is...she questions herself constantly.

I just don't know what to do, I still believe, as I always have, in my heart that she totally doesn't want to be divorced...you guys have seen me allude to this before in my posts. This is why. Something is wrong with her...this is above and beyond a marriage that ended solely because of marriage-exclusive issues. She knows things would be different and she knows our problems were fixable. It's just crazy to me how she goes from totally being open to R, even going so far as to AGREE with me to call of the divorce...to being messed up the next day. I guess that's the very reason why she won't allow herself to come back...because she knows it will hurt me to see her like this...happy one day, miserable the next, with no real occurrence/trigger for the misery part...she would wake up that way many times in fact.

The way I take all this is this way, if I was to be bad and "mind read"...she wants to R in her heart...she doesn't feel like she's mentally capable of being a good wife right now...she is fairly certain she does want to come back and be with me when she's healthy again. She doesn't want me to wait though.

I feel like I am dealing with somewhat of the real her though...even now she's not as chillingly cold and distant as she was two months ago. She's like "my wife" again...but sadly still confused. So in that respect and insofar as our failed marriage goes...I thinks she is at peace with me now...not mad at me anymore, I am no longer the man, the annoyance she must avoid at all costs like she was. I think what we are dealing with now are her mental issues alone. My faults and her faults in the marriage didn't even really come up during the two nights. We talked more about her well-being, why she tried to hurt herself, etc.
Something is different.

In any event, I have no idea what to do now so I've decided I am diving back into where I was two months ago and going dark/NC again. If I ever see her again before she leaves for FL (IF she even goes through with it, it's still almost two months away)it will be the way it was back in May/June...she will have to contact me...I will not contact her under any circumstances at this point...I don't care how much the NC ticked her off last time. She made every single contact with me last time, she's going to have to do it again now...or not...either way the ball is in her court.

Maybe those two nights together was just some last hurrah for us, a chance for each of us to prove to each other that the passion between us was very much alive and well...just dormant because we allowed it to be. Or maybe it was a foundation for something new we might have if we ever manage to R. Only time will tell and I have lots of that again now.