He asked in great frustration several months ago why I couldn't be just friends with him, "Why does it have to be all or nothing with you?" And I was greatly frustrated that I should even be asked to articulate why, but also that I couldn't, but knew it to be true.
Now I remember it was true then and it's still true but I've been spun around so many times that I lost my bearings with regard to that question and I missed him so much. I appreciate my SIL reminding me of my value. I really had lost track of it. It's a small but crucial change of thinking. (My very good friend told me last winter that I needed to get reacquainted with my self-worth and I struggled then with even understanding what that meant.)
Now I'm a little anxious that I've kissed my marriage goodbye. There are still many things about him I value. I won't deny that I'm scared. But also, I feel kind of peaceful within myself, like I've found my bottom line and if I end up divorced it won't be because I was rejected out of hand but because we couldn't make the terms work.
I'm not proud of rejecting that request. I am just at peace with it. It is the truth of where I am, though I hope for better. I can't be expected to ignore my truth while he's chasing his.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
