1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

I’m not giving up, just talking about how hopeless I feel. Not just about the R, but about me.

I was a terrible husband. I never thought I was abusive. But if abusive means that I put my wife through hell, pressured her to do things for me sexually she didn’t want, was critical and demanding, felt entitled to more and therefor justified in treating her poorly, and blaming her for the issues between us…then I absolutely was. I would get so angry and depressed I would stop talking to her for months at a time.

The bad news is I haven’t been able to change it. I’ve read journal entries from years ago, emails I’ve sent in the past. I’ve always meant well. I’ve always loved my wife. I’ve always wanted a good marriage more than anything in the world. But I’ve never been able to do it. Even now after 6 weeks of reflection, meditation, therapy, posting, etc, I still think I’m the absolute same. Frankly I think the only reason I’m not angry and abusive right now is because she’s ‘beyond my reach’ and if she were suddenly back with me I’d feel like punishing her for the hell she’s put me through, or demand proof that she wouldn’t do this to me again. Now, maybe I’d be strong enough not to act on those feelings the same way, BUT I STILL FEEL THAT WAY TOO DAMN MUCH.

When I read women’s articles about not putting up with bad men…men who think they’re entitled to sex, beg/pressure to have sex when they don’t want to, ask for things that they don’t want to do, that a relationship isn’t all about sex, etc. I get angry and hurt, like ‘why can’t you understand how much we need this from you! If I was with a women that felt that way I’d NEVER get any of my needs met and would spend my life miserable, rejected, unappreciated, and depressed!’ But then I realize most men don’t feel this way. It’s just me and the other a$$holes that were dumped.

What’s really frustrating is I’m so good at everything else. I’m one of the best pool players in the country, absolutely world class. I play poker and in the last 10 days I’ve won 3 200+ man tournaments for quite a score. I am a very successful sales manager with a bright future in a fortune 500 company. Yet somehow the one thing I really care about- to the point of having given up the opportunity to follow my boyhood dream of professional pool- is being in a healthy relationship, and that’s the one thing I can’t figure out.

I’m realizing that I can read books, go to therapy, pray. But I feel like I need to change by 10 miles and I’m only wiggling a few inches at a time. This once a week therapy seems insufficient, I feel like I need a 6 month intensive rehab to have a chance. I read about how most abusive men never change and women should just stay away, and I think…that’s probably my future. I’m probably going to spend my life working hard every day to change and it’s all a big waste of time because I was just destined to be unfit for a relationship, disgusted with myself, and angry and lonely in the world. This ‘working on myself’ thing seems like a wolf trying to work on being a blasted sheep. Absolutely pointless. And I can’t fathom living like a wolf, I don’t want to be hurt and lonely, or hurt those I love. That’s the point at which I only see one way out.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess I hope that someone can tell me that change is at least possible. Maybe I just needed to purge this out ‘outloud’, and now I can go back to praying for strength, accepting my feelings, etc. I’ll probably be hit with a ton of 2x4s about how I’m wallowing, or self pity, I don’t know. That’s fine. Show me the way out if you’ve been down this road. Or don’t, and I’ll keep on going. Maybe someday I’ll have the answers for someone else.