For better or for worse, for richer or for PORES?

[Shining]

Thanks, AJ!

The tests are INDEED coming. In fact, tomorrow. I have some big time preparing to do.

H sent many texts to me today. Sweet ones....flirty ones. Testing waters for sure. Saying how great it was to see me yesterday. (We don't have kids together, so no other reason than business to see each other).

I preface the rest of this with the fact that while I am so grateful to have the slightest glimmer of hope today, I know from experience how quickly things can turn ugly. This day, as all the others, stands on it's own. He's not even close to being out of replay, and I have read enough to know this. But I am grateful for the fact that we have progressed this much.

So, yesterday was our major "hug" event....(can't believe I'm this thankful just to hug my husband) H told me today that when we hugged, his heart was beating so fast, and he hoped I couldn't tell how nervous he was. He said I still "do it for him"...and he struggles to keep cool every time he sees me. That yesterday was especially hard and he didn't want to leave (the restaurant). He said it was all he could do not to kiss me. Then he said, "you still have the power". Strange comment I thought.... He feels I have power? I asked why he didn't kiss me then. He said we both pulled back from the hug at the same time. And he didn't think I would want to anyway. Then he said, "you know me and rejection lol". He said "you looked and felt great and I wanted you. I miss how you feel" (It was just a hug. I promise. I guess I'm that good at hugging? Who knew!)

I said I missed the same things. I pretty much mirrored what he said when appropriate. Kept the same level, at least. The next thing I texted was an oldie but goodie. I was testing, too. After all he was willing to spill, I wanted to see how far was too far. I said, "I want you." H texted back "really?" I said "you seem surprised?" H said "yes"

THEN....

He said he wants to see me again. He said he wants to kiss me. I said "maybe we should make that happen?" (that was my way of not-asking-but-still-asking, since I'm trying not to pursue)
He said, "can we?" (Talk about he inability to decide or be vulnerable to rejection.... )

So here's what's funny to me. It probably shouldn't be funny. Perhaps ironic. Idk.

H wanted to see me so bad.....but where? His house (MY house too) has ow stuff there. My apartment with kids, not a good place to talk. Restaurant again? He wants to kiss me and doubt he would in restaurant. He wants me alone. He probably wants more, but I'm confident in my ability to keep that boundary, and he's still fearful enough not to push. He wants me to come over to the house, but was afraid to ask. When I initially found out about OW back in May, I completely went crazy about her stuff in my house. I had every right! Well, I can be right, or I can be married. Old me would be angry and not able to "set another foot in that house after OW blahblahblah....!!!" But that won't get me anywhere. It's also not important anymore. After learning about MLC, my whole perspective changed. This was major growth for me. I was very territorial. I have let that go. There are more important things now. My ego was out of this a long time ago.

So, H wants to see me, but can't today .... (Guessing ow plans, ow stuff there, etc). His excuse was he is working on he house tonight for new realtor to take pics tomorrow morning. (House has been on market 3 weeks. If it's not ready now....). Asked if I have plans after work tomorrow. I was busy tonight after work with S15 anyway, so I was fine with tomorrow.

He told me his upper back has been tight, and he was going in for a massage (never did this pre-MLC, and certain ow going too) at 7:00 this evening, but he would like to call me after that around 8:30 and is that ok? He also made a comment "if I was going to be home after 8:30" (ummmm, it's a work night.). He hinted that he still thinks I must be busy or "if I'm not with someone" as if I'm dating.

Note to self: H requires SOOOOO much reassurance. Even more now than pre-MLC. I'm guessing if I'm ever in the position to watch/help him come out of the tunnel, he will be one hot-needy-mess. This is quite the dance we have going.

I find it interesting....the thought of him (in my imagination) scurrying around to hide her things or make her take them with her for my visit tomorrow. Telling her some excuse why she can't come over tomorrow night will go over like a lead balloon! And I doubt she's spending the night if H wants to call ME.

OOOOOHHHHH, HOW THE TURNTABLES HAVE........TURNED. -Steve Care//, the office.

I am becoming the OW to the OW.



Just another part of this process. I'll be back at the bottom of the ride again, I'm bracing for that. But smiling today.