I don't love you anymore

[nova]

Today was a trying day. First, I found out that I am going to New Jersey next week to talk to the manager of the office I might be transferring to about the job. So that sent my head spinning again about that. I still am having issues with deciding how to proceed with that. It's a great opportunity, but it feels like closing the door and running away after everything that has happened.

Then I had my IC appointment. I was looking forward to it because it helps to talk, and to have someone listen who doesn't have a dog in the fight, so to speak. But I left kinda down. During it, my IC said that to her, it seemed like based on how my W is behaving, and what has happened, that it's her opinion that it is an OM, and that my wife has made up her mind and I won't be able to change it. She seems more geared toward helping me move past everything than to work on accepting where I currently am and continue fighting. I just felt kind of defeated. I told her I don't plan on giving up until a judge tells me to, and maybe not even then.

Then W stopped by to drop off the two cats that she took with her. She's going away for the weekend to a reunion (that we had originally both planned to go to) and I am watching them. W was in and out in less than 5 minutes, per her normal when she comes to the house. Said she was sorry she had to run but she was late to grab a beer with a Lt of the fire department she joined. (The FD is a recent thing, she just joined a little bit before I left for Bangladesh. I think it is kind of a make-up for dropping out of the police academy, but she seems to be enjoying it). So she dropped off the cats, and was out the door before I could even let them out of their carriers.

It's good to have al of the cats around again. Although, when I look at them I think of her, which kinda [censored]. It's that weird crossroads of "I'm happy to have you back" and "you remind me too much of her."

I am so exhausted. I just want to sit W down and tell her how I feel. That what she did was the most disrespectful and hurtful thing that anyone has ever done to me. That I am pissed off and can't understand how she could just give up. That I want an explanation of why. That I still love her.

Well, for the time being I am just going to "just keep swimming." My family is coming down this weekend, so that should be fun.