Well a bit of an update. There was a bit of a backslide 2 days ago because I was upset that my wife has a male friend and that made me flip out. WAW broke her hand over the weekend and I showed zero concern. Partly out of bitterness towards her, partly because I was focused on detaching. It's actually a pretty gruesome break and I showed very little concern or sympathy. Seeing all the stuff on here about OM made me expect the worse and I said some harsh statements to my WAW when I picked kids up from Doctor's office rather than even share any further sympathy. I made it about myself as I often times did.
Yesterday, however was a bit of a turning point. My son had a doctor appt that we all went to, and after the appt, WAW asked if I'd like to have lunch together with the family. I suggested that we bring lunch to the park and we wound up talking for close to 3 hours as the kids played. I made this conversation about her talking about the hurts that she had towards me. Validated like crazy, didn't get defensive, avoided arguments, and let her vent. She is aware that I am going to IC, and she seemed pleased with my responses and empathy. I tried to avoid R talk as much as possible, but there were some subtle mentions. When acknowledging my shortcomings, I told her, If God decides to bring us back together, you can be confident that it'll be different, because I will be different. I also made it a point to emphatically let her know without saying love, that I am fighting for our family and wear my ring because I am proud to be her husband. Some of these things may have been against the rules if you will, but she saw a much more confident man, but also a more sensitive man, and one that was willing to hear her feelings rather than just defend my position.
I have realized as a LBS I put too much focus early on on how I felt about her leaving, rather than what caused her to have to leave. It feels good. I still have no expectations, though I do have my vision as what I would like and hopefully in time that matches her vision. I get why she is wounded though and I think for the first time since splitting, she sees that I get it. I had asked her if maybe in 2 or 3 weeks we can all get together again as a family and she didn't say no.
I realizes she needs to breathe a bit away from me for now, and I will continue to let her heal from a distance as I try to show off my changes every chance that I get. I feel encouraged and thought that I would share.
