Nitty in a Nutshell (Help! I'm in a nutshell!)

[Nitty]

Yesterday at mediation, I made my case for the marriage.

I said Mr. Gritty didn't give us a chance yet, how it was a waste to destroy it, how even he admits he was happy as recently as last year, so why risk losing it? How we were so good together... that what happened is repairable, we can be stronger than we were before, that we owe it to ourselves to try to save it until we exhausted every last option.

Mr. Gritty made his case for killing our marriage: He is DONE. Nitty is poisonous, vindictive and bitter. Unforgiving. She threatens to expose his sins to the world if she doesn't get her way. And MC will just give her a sh!tload of ammo with which to humiliate him. Any R with Nitty means living the rest of his life with his nose constantly rubbed in sh!t.

I don't recognize the man spewing all this crap, I didn't recognize the person he talked about, either. He typically goes in waves: Nitty is awful, Nitty is good and he's awful, Nitty caused it all, this was all caused by his issues... each wave getting more exaggerated until... here we are.

Then we signed a bunch of papers, me snuffling and blowing my nose the whole time. Mr. Gritty was jovial, almost happy-go-lucky.

I don't want him back now the way he is, anyway. But I WAS hoping I could ride this MLC out until the REAL Mr. Gritty returns. This guy--he's an [censored]. He was so cold, so cruel.

This morning I found texts from Mr. Nitty. GOD. I hate texts.

Summary: he's really sad. Also: "You pushed me to this." And Nitty hasn't forgiven and probably never will, that maybe Nitty needed him to do this. That Nitty always says one thing but acts like another. Oh, well, it's done now. Etc. Just more MLC gaslighting.

KML, Matt165, Artsy, GGrass, Wonka... thank you for responding.

I've taken care of legal/financial concerns already, thank you. Family members pushed me into doing it, now I'm glad I did. You are right; his responses are just MLC insanity. MLC BLOWS. He's already told me I've been freeloading off him for years... and he won't give me a cent unless I meet his conditions of employment... but the law won't care what he thinks.

Cadet & Wonka, I've read, copied and printed out so many pages from this site over the last few months. The stickied threads, especially. Some are taped all over my bathroom walls.

Now I'm looking at all the pages I copied -- they are swimming in front of me. I've read so many books, hundreds of books. MLC books, infidelity books, marriage books. I know my life is already better, that MLC is a gift, but I am so sad right now.

I know what I should do for myself, but not sure how to act in this new phase of my life: Divorce Proceedings.

I've already detached so much. I'm not devastated like I was the first few weeks of our separation, when I wanted to die, when I couldn't eat and stayed in bed all day. But now I'm confused and need direction. Somebody shove me in the right direction.

I'm dropping the rope, leaving the door open. I won't wait for him but I want to move on in a way that will keep that door open.