Maybell VI

[Maybell]

I feel like H doesn't want to fix what's broken or move in any direction if he doesn't have to.

His job requires too much travel and I am worried about him. He's gone all the time. His life is really taxing.

I know my post above was really angry and anger is part of what I feel towards him because I feel like he threw out the baby with the bath water. He wants my friendship... To alleviate his guilt over leaving? Because he values and misses me? Some of both?

I miss him. In the pit of my stomach there's a knot of missing him and anxiety that I did wrong setting that boundary. The crumbs were nice because I had been starving. But I can't live on crumbs. I can't let myself live on crumbs.

I need for him to get some kind of treatment. He needs it. The kids need him to get it.

My SIL says there needs to be some uncomfortable consequence to all his hurtful actions and so far he's gotten everything the way he wants it. It's not my place to cause him pain or teach him a lesson and that's not what I'm trying to do, in spite of what I said before. But her words reminded me how many times I've gone against my own instinct or interest to agree with him. I held him above me for a really long time and it certainly didn't make me happy and apparently didn't make him happy. To say I would be just friends with him when I really yearn for the closeness we once shared would be more of what didn't work before.

It hurts me to lay that boundary. I wonder if this is one of those times that pain is an indication of truth?

[Maybell]

I was rereading what I just posted here and when I read the second line his sentence "this is not what I want" sounded so clearly in my ears that it was like he was standing next to me.

I can't explain entirely what I mean without giving away more identifying details (I know, you're probably all saying, what, discretion NOW? After all the blood she's spilled here already???) but I feel like he's unhappy with the life this job requires.

I feel like he had a vision of a different kind of life entirely that prompted the idea to move back east and that vision was thwarted by what this job ended up being, which is more of the same.

I was willing to go with his vision but I had a couple of caveats. I thought they were reasonable but I think they disappointed him. I still think they are reasonable and do not preclude his vision. But he didn't communicate with me and so we weren't able to plan and implement his vision.

This crisis will make it harder to implement his vision because I won't be able to make the leap of faith it requires as things stand right now.

If only he could communicate clearly. If only he understood his own thoughts well enough to work with me.

All the fear and anxiety and sadness I woke up with is dissipated now. I think I got to the truth behind all that. Part of that truth is that there is still a path for him to get his vision realized and me to be happy and us to be together. It requires some sacrifice and will take extra years because crisis recovery will need to occur first, but it's possible. At least from my end.

I wonder what will happen?

[SunnyB]

But her words reminded me how many times I've gone against my own instinct or interest to agree with him. I held him above me for a really long time and it certainly didn't make me happy and apparently didn't make him happy. To say I would be just friends with him when I really yearn for the closeness we once shared would be more of what didn't work before.

Maybell, in my clearer moments this is my thought exactly. For years I went against myself to make him happy and it didn't work.
If I can hold on to that, and learn to listen to myself, I know I'll be better off. It's just a really difficult thing to do after 26 years with him.

[labug]

Slooooooow, you can't force anyone else's process and it sounds like he may be doing some of that work. You're looking at his life through your lens, he may appear happy but appearances can be deceiving. After all he appeared happy in the M toward the end and wasn't.

Your H has the Amurrican Dream and can't figure out why he's unhappy. Leave him to his stuff.

Look how long it's taken you to get to where you are.

"I wonder what will happen?" I like that, cheer him on from afar.

[claire7]

Maybell,
I am sorry you are going through this. But I selfishly love how reading through your insights help me so much! I appreciate how you articulated the feeling of "I am your wife. It's insensitive of you to think that we can be friends." It's like, they are in this dream fantasy world that they can suddenly walk away from their marriage and family, and that we will magically agree that that's the right decision, and have no hard feelings! I mean, come on.

And I think that the messiness you've felt in the last week or so was crucial in leading you to this next step-- "I wonder what will happen" is such a great attitude. The river will flow. We can't control it. We can only control ourselves. And, sometimes, even if we patch up our raft, and paddle with strength and confidence, the rapids are just too tricky, and we hit a rock and tip over. There is just no way to predict exactly what will happen. Letting go of that desire to have a specific outcome can lead to great peace and happiness.

I think my life philosophy has evolved into something like this: I can't just sit back and let things happen to me (I AM a change agent in my own life), but I have to be flexible enough to realize that the path I'm on right now may not be the one I stay on. And that's ok.

[Maybell]

Yes, I'm impatient with his process.

I'm glad you think he's doing the work. His last sentence, acknowledging he'd been insensitive, was huge. I feel like he hasn't been aware of my place in his crisis since the beginning.

It is also true that I am not as detached as I'd need to be to engage him warmly without expectation. If he's not ready to rebuild then I need to maintain my distance till one of us is in a different place. I hope that was what I conveyed, rather than pressure.

He contacted the kids this morning, bypassing me. True, we only knew it because I heard the notification tone (their devices are being rationed) but still, he took responsibility for those relationships and I'm relieved.

I'm ok with taking time that's needed. We've got things under control, minus the odd panic.

My SIL is out with some of the kids so I'm going to work on a project of my own while my boys play and recharge from cousin time. It will feel good to do something not family oriented and relaxing again.

I really appreciate this space and the people who take time to participate. It is way too easy to get stuck in your own thought process and the input from others and the freedom to be open here has made ALL the difference. That is true no matter what happens to my marriage.

[Meghan]

Oh, Maybell - I'm sorry that I'm not in the best headspace for offering advice right now, but I'm sending hugs your way.

For now, I'll just say that I think you're asking really important questions about what is acceptable to you and how you want to live your life.

I also understand the feeling of going against your own interest and then winding up in this position anyway - it's deeply frustrating and demoralizing. I think you should keep focusing on these things so you have as clear a sense of what's acceptable to you as you possibly can. From there, you'll be in a much stronger position to get what you need if you reconcile, but you'll also just generally have a stronger sense of who you are moving forward in general.

[Meghan]

I just wanted to add that I'm glad that there seems to be a spark of recognition of his role in all of this in what he said to you. It's so hard to feel like your partner doesn't see you - or, worse yet, blames you - and it's good that maybe he's starting to come around a bit. Do let him come to those realisations, though - pushing them on him isn't likely to get you very far. I know it's hard to wait for him to do what he needs to do (I'm staring down that particular gun myself right now), but you can do this!

[2Times2Many]

This whole "I want to be friends but not return to the marriage" thing feels like cake-eating to me, and an effort to buy time so he can continue the playboy lifestyle.

Maybell, sometimes I read your posts and wonder if we're married to the same guy. The similarities in the sitchs are amazing.

Stick to your guns on that one. How on earth someone can think they can lie to, betray and essentially dump their S and then expect to remain friends is beyond me. When my H indicates that's what he wants (or better to say, fantasizes), it makes me wonder just how low of an opinion he has of me. And I know that however low it might be, I'm much, much stronger and smarter than he's giving me credit for. And so are you.

I'm sending hugs .... stay strong.

[Meghan]

I agree that this "let's be friends" thing is problematic. I got the, "I care for you and see you as a friend" line from H. the other night (alongside the ever popular "I love you in a platonic way".

It seems to me that it could go one of two ways. Either he wants to have a friendship that can be built on slowly as you work your way back, which could be okay. Or, he wants to eat cake. Do you have any kind of a read on which it is right now?