Wifes severe depression, MLC, and suicide attempt

[Lifes Twists]

Yesterday I had my second appointment with a new IC. I left my old one because she was not really helping me. This new IC is more solutions oriented. So far it is going well and he is starting to ask me challenging questions to cause me to think about things. He asked me if I could forgive her. I told him I felt I could in giving some allowance to her illness for her actions. I told him I did have a hard time forgiving her family for their actions. He told me that he did not believe in forgiveness in the classic christian definition. He said he feels that forgiveness is not an automatic thing. Forgiveness is something that has to be earned. I can see his point. I can relate it to the idea of us doing 180s and working to improve ourselves. On one hand it is to make ourselves better but on the other we are deep down hoping our changes will help our spouse to forgive us for what they perceive we did to them to cause all these problems. So, in a small way are we trying to earn their forgiveness?

In the earlier afternoon I spontaneously took off to the beach. We live about 1.5 hours away from the Rhode Island beaches. My oldest and youngest went with me. I was surprised and pleased that my oldest went. She is the one who was most influenced by her mother and the most distant from me. We had some good talks on the drive. I had a great time body surfing in the waves. The water was an excellent temperature.

I am thrilled that my oldest is opening up more to me finally. I get little hints that she and her sisters are seeing the odd behaviors of their mother. She mentioned that her mother is having comprehending things like planning when she needs to leave to get somewhere by a certain time. She said they went to a movie on Sunday. the first activity her mother has ever suggested without being prompted. Her mom set a departure time that was really early and could not seem to comprehend that they could leave a little later. So they went and ended up sitting in an empty theater for a long time before others arrived and the movie started. I told her that it was a positive step that her mom had suggested they do something together. I told her that it showed more healing on her moms part. I told her that the timing issue could be a symptom of the illness and would improve as she gets well. I was positive towards her mom throughout and did not ask any probing questions, just responded to what she had told me.

I may be wrong. I feel that as part of DBing I need to show minimum to almost no interest in what my wife is doing for my own sanity. I also feel that I need to show this around the kids as well. I don't want them telling their mom I am asking all kinds of questions.

Is it good if they are asked by their mom that they tell her I don't ask about her at all?