Maybell VI

[Maybell]

I was rereading what I just posted here and when I read the second line his sentence "this is not what I want" sounded so clearly in my ears that it was like he was standing next to me.

I can't explain entirely what I mean without giving away more identifying details (I know, you're probably all saying, what, discretion NOW? After all the blood she's spilled here already???) but I feel like he's unhappy with the life this job requires.

I feel like he had a vision of a different kind of life entirely that prompted the idea to move back east and that vision was thwarted by what this job ended up being, which is more of the same.

I was willing to go with his vision but I had a couple of caveats. I thought they were reasonable but I think they disappointed him. I still think they are reasonable and do not preclude his vision. But he didn't communicate with me and so we weren't able to plan and implement his vision.

This crisis will make it harder to implement his vision because I won't be able to make the leap of faith it requires as things stand right now.

If only he could communicate clearly. If only he understood his own thoughts well enough to work with me.

All the fear and anxiety and sadness I woke up with is dissipated now. I think I got to the truth behind all that. Part of that truth is that there is still a path for him to get his vision realized and me to be happy and us to be together. It requires some sacrifice and will take extra years because crisis recovery will need to occur first, but it's possible. At least from my end.

I wonder what will happen?