I feel like H doesn't want to fix what's broken or move in any direction if he doesn't have to.
His job requires too much travel and I am worried about him. He's gone all the time. His life is really taxing.
I know my post above was really angry and anger is part of what I feel towards him because I feel like he threw out the baby with the bath water. He wants my friendship... To alleviate his guilt over leaving? Because he values and misses me? Some of both?
I miss him. In the pit of my stomach there's a knot of missing him and anxiety that I did wrong setting that boundary. The crumbs were nice because I had been starving. But I can't live on crumbs. I can't let myself live on crumbs.
I need for him to get some kind of treatment. He needs it. The kids need him to get it.
My SIL says there needs to be some uncomfortable consequence to all his hurtful actions and so far he's gotten everything the way he wants it. It's not my place to cause him pain or teach him a lesson and that's not what I'm trying to do, in spite of what I said before. But her words reminded me how many times I've gone against my own instinct or interest to agree with him. I held him above me for a really long time and it certainly didn't make me happy and apparently didn't make him happy. To say I would be just friends with him when I really yearn for the closeness we once shared would be more of what didn't work before.
It hurts me to lay that boundary. I wonder if this is one of those times that pain is an indication of truth?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
