Finding my way - part 3

[gan]

Hi Meghan, I'm no vet but I did jump into this physical separation thing within weeks of BD so I do have a few things to offer from a survival POV (not sure what it means yet from a marriage POV...still a work in progress).

1. Go with the flow. Don't try to change his mind as it will only make him dig his heals in more. At the time it was happening I saw separation as THE END. In reality it means H doesn't want to work on the relationship right now and needs space. I can relate to the immigration thing as my H is also from another country (so I also worry that he'll decide to go back to his country). Fact is, you and I have both been able to work around the immigration issues in the past to be with our spouses. So we can do it again if and when the time comes, right?

2. Pick up a copy of Taking Space by Robert Buchicchio. This book helped me think about the range of practical things to think through and gave me much needed structure when I felt like I was floating in space after his initial announcement.

3. While he is still in the house:
a. Be ready - it is a really, really awful and difficult time (painful to think about looking back). I too struggled with the little moments, reflecting on the lost friend etc. It's what it is. One of the best quotes I've seen on here was "The only way out is through." So be ok sitting with those feelings. They will pass at some stage.
b. Yoga is great - gets you out of the house and doing something good for you. I'm sure our Hs get that this is a stressful time so doing yoga won't seem like a "I'm trying to avoid you" thing, even if it still has that effect.
c. If you can, try to come to some agreement about time frame for separation, or at least when you will next check in with each other. I'm still not sure whether my separation is a trial separation or pre-divorce separation (not sure that my H knows the difference) but mentally I have found it helpful to have a bit of a timeline even if we don't stick to it. 3 months is shorter than forever and much more manageable for the head going in! By the time you hit that time frame you'll be in a different place mentally anyway (I am - and looking back the 6 months my H proposed would probably have been fine).

4. After he moves out:
a. Be ready - the first couple of weeks are really tough. Focus on the essentials, esp food. I don't recall if you have kids. The shift to cooking for one was a big one for me and it took a while to return to eating normally. I treat myself to lunch most days to take the burden off cooking dinner - and I don't feel guilty about it! Also I'm now amused by how little I need to pick up at the grocery store each week....no more male appetite to contend with. (This all saddened me at first, but now I'm ok with it).
b. Get out and GAL. Sounds like you have this under control but the down time really bothered me at first. I've made an effort to try to have something planned for each night M-Thu (yoga x 2, volunteering etc) and at least one thing for the weekend. Having this plan has made me feel much more in control of my life again.
c. No contact unless he initiates it. Actually I think it has been easier for me to detach compared to a lot of people on here because H is not physically around.

I'm something like 9 weeks in to a supposed 3 month separation. I've only seen H twice during this time (friend's party and when he came over to pick up his stuff) and I wasn't expecting him to be in touch until after 3 months. But....at the 7 week mark he called and asked me out for a drink (meeting up next week). Who knows where that will go but I can definitely tell you that I am in a much better place now regardless of what happens on the M front. At the end of the day that is what we all need to be aiming for I think.

Best of luck to you!